The Night I Had To Let My Thread Of Hope Go

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In my last post, I mentioned I found pornography on my husband’s computer again. I was not going to look at his history because I didn’t want to hurt myself even more. Yet, I had this compulsion to look. I scrolled down each day. Yes, he was looking at porn weekly. Porn Hub was a site I kept on running into and so was Google images. This information did not disturb me. I have come to accept the fact that these are his “go to” sites.

I found pornography on his computer on Friday. He was out of town that whole weekend. I had keep my anger and my vomit inside of me.  I made sure this was not going to ruin my weekend with my girls. I kept on telling myself, “This is my husband’s addiction and I am not the cause.”

Late Sunday night he came home. This is when I confronted him. I was not yelling and I was talking in a civilized manner. My husband snapped. This is what he said about his pornography use:

  1. He is not addicted.
  2. He blamed me because we do not have sex.
  3. Every guy does it so would I rather have him be gay?
  4. It is not a big deal.
  5. He does not want to be with anyone else.
  6. It is a release for him.
  7. He is not going to stop.
  8. He is not cheating on me.

This was the exact moment that I knew my fight was over. My fight to save our marriage and my fight to save him. This is when I experienced an emptiness inside that I have never felt before. I finally realized that our marriage and my feelings mean nothing to him. He will continually put himself and his needs first before everyone else.

I cried in a fetal position the whole night. I never felt so alone in my life. I had this tiny thread of hope that I was hanging onto. Hope that my husband would change. Hope that our marriage would be stronger. That night, I let the thread go. It was the most difficult thing I had to do. However, I was punishing myself by hanging onto something that was not there.

I have not told my husband how I feel. Right now, I am focusing on steps to improve myself and to get out of this situation. The time will come when I will have everything in order. Until then I have to persevere, pray, and grow to be self-sufficient.

 

 

A.R.

 

 

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28 thoughts on “The Night I Had To Let My Thread Of Hope Go

  1. A.R. I am so so sorry. Yes, he is addicted! Yes, he is cheating! (Though most do not believe that to be true) Not only is hurting you but he he is hurting himself and doesn’t even realize it. I didn’t know the damage my addiction did to me til I stopped..btw. Oh, I could go and on for hours…but I will stop out of respect for you dear sis.

    Know that I am praying for you.

    May I reblog this to share with my readers?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much. I know he is addicted…. If he would just admit to his addiction I would be there every step of the way to help him. It is extremely sad.
      Yes, you may reblog this post. Thank you!

      Like

  2. The fight for your marriage and husband may be over, the thread of hope gone, but the upside is that allows your focus to be on the fight for beautiful, precious YOU. There is much, much hope for you. Not just a thread, but the strongest, thickest rope you can imagine!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes! You are absolutely right! Every time I started to focus on myself, I started to relapse. I do believe this was my barrier. I also believe that this is a good thing. This was preventing me from moving forward.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It seems like you are receiving clarity on your situation. That will make it easier to trust yourself to make good decisions and plans for your well being rather than basing your actions on emotions. Just like when you waited two days to confront your husband about the porn. God will show you the truth ❤️

        Liked by 2 people

  3. He hit every note like a Greatest Hits of Porn Addicts Vol. 1….Maybe I’m wrong, and I’m not advising you to do it, but I have a feeling if you really laid down the law, this guy would implode like a house of cards and you’d be the new sheriff. However, you don’t want to be the sheriff of that town. Keep scoping out new land to set up your town and be strong.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Reblogged this on Something to Stu Over and commented:
    This broke my heart this morning. I am sharing this, with permission, to say her husband’s comment are typical of an addict in denial. He’s not an addict yet he will not stop watching.

    But what truly broke my heart was the fact that she has lost hope, not in herself, but in the marriage. To read more of A.R. and her struggle please visit her blog today and give her some inspiration and hope.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your understanding…..
      It is nice to hear men’s perspectives who have been through this destructive journey. The only men who change are the ones who admit to their problem. Unfortunately, he is not one of them.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. True, you have to admit you have a problem before you will even think about fixing it. And that’s with anything.

        More than likely all us bloggers have our emails posted on our site. We are here for you if you need to chat or have someone pray with you.

        Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. I am understanding that God does not want me to live in pain. Especially when that pain is abuse. I know that God can do anything. It would take an act of God to truly change my husband. My husband would have to allow God in and to soften his heart. I do not see him doing this anytime soon….

      Liked by 1 person

      1. What you do is between you and God. It is a very personal thing. I am not here to judge you either way. I just want to encourage you, let you know you are prayed for, and to let you know that God loves you very much. He loves your husband. And He loves your family!

        Liked by 2 people

  5. Please read my recent post it’s on my home page. It is not to take away from what you are experiencing but to help women and men when they are in despair in their marriages still be able to continue on. I won’t share my struggles with my husband to a certain extent because I try to respect him. His sin is not mine to share. But trust me I have been through some really bad stuff in our marriage. And this truth I talked about changed everything for me. I hope it does you too. I will be praying for you.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I have been in your exact circumstance and had the exact same response.
    It was hell, I never wanted to be intimate, and everything crumbled. It was then that he sought help and we also went to counseling.
    Sending hugs to you during this time!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. This is a really powerful post. To hear it from your perspective (a wife). Your words have really resides with me and got me thinking about the feelings of loved ones you are hurting.
    Great blog – really informative.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. I admire you for admitting that you have a problem. That is the first step in your healing process. You will get there! It will be a long journey for you. You will have your set backs just like any other addiction. Do it for your wife!!! Make her your focal point!
      I have wrote freely about my husband’s pornography addiction and what it has done to our marriage. It amazes me that very few women write about this addiction on WordPress. I have gone through all of the various emotions with my husband’s addiction. These emotions suck! They are raw and they rip you apart. However, I know that I am not to blame for his porn habits. It is all on him.
      I will pray for your family. Healing takes time. You should be proud of yourself! You are heading in the right direction!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. So sorry to hear you’re having to go through this.😢 I know you’ll come out stronger in the end, and who knows, maybe you’re husband and marriage will, too…

    Liked by 1 person

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