In my last post, I mentioned I found pornography on my husband’s computer again. I was not going to look at his history because I didn’t want to hurt myself even more. Yet, I had this compulsion to look. I scrolled down each day. Yes, he was looking at porn weekly. Porn Hub was a site I kept on running into and so was Google images. This information did not disturb me. I have come to accept the fact that these are his “go to” sites.
I found pornography on his computer on Friday. He was out of town that whole weekend. I had keep my anger and my vomit inside of me. I made sure this was not going to ruin my weekend with my girls. I kept on telling myself, “This is my husband’s addiction and I am not the cause.”
Late Sunday night he came home. This is when I confronted him. I was not yelling and I was talking in a civilized manner. My husband snapped. This is what he said about his pornography use:
- He is not addicted.
- He blamed me because we do not have sex.
- Every guy does it so would I rather have him be gay?
- It is not a big deal.
- He does not want to be with anyone else.
- It is a release for him.
- He is not going to stop.
- He is not cheating on me.
This was the exact moment that I knew my fight was over. My fight to save our marriage and my fight to save him. This is when I experienced an emptiness inside that I have never felt before. I finally realized that our marriage and my feelings mean nothing to him. He will continually put himself and his needs first before everyone else.
I cried in a fetal position the whole night. I never felt so alone in my life. I had this tiny thread of hope that I was hanging onto. Hope that my husband would change. Hope that our marriage would be stronger. That night, I let the thread go. It was the most difficult thing I had to do. However, I was punishing myself by hanging onto something that was not there.
I have not told my husband how I feel. Right now, I am focusing on steps to improve myself and to get out of this situation. The time will come when I will have everything in order. Until then I have to persevere, pray, and grow to be self-sufficient.