Not Affected By His Behavior

On Saturday night my husband came home after 3 am. He was out with his friends. I was sound asleep when he came home. I woke up as he was walking into our bedroom. It startled me. I glanced at the clock and I asked no questions. I fell back to sleep and slept soundly.

I woke up Sunday morning and made breakfast for everyone. I proceeded to do yard work and laundry the rest of the day. Not one word was mentioned and not one questioned was asked about his night out. I took care of the things that I had to do around the house. I had a very productive day!

Yesterday I knew my husband was looking at pornography. I had evidence of his doing. I was NOT looking around for it. However, it showed up and flashed its ugly face at me. I am not going to go into details about what happened. I did not confront my husband. I made dinner last night and had a very enjoyable evening with my girls.

Now the part that some may not like to hear. My writings are my honest true feelings. I write from my heart and how I am feeling at the time.

My husband’s behavior did NOT affect me. I was NOT upset that he came home after 3 am. I was NOT upset about his little secret he was hiding from me yesterday. It’s the strangest thing. Before my husband’s actions would have ruined me. His actions did not faze me.

I guess I am at a place in my life where I am thinking about myself and not him. His behavior will never change. I am not giving him a hall pass. I am not cheering him on for his lack of respect. I am just simply letting go.

Ann

Pornography And My Marriage

I know sometimes I sound like a broken record. However, I can’t stress enough that pornography contributed to the destruction of my marriage.

I look back on how many times my husband has lied to me. He has lied to me that he is NOT watching porn. He has lied to me that he is NOT addicted to pornography. He has lied to me that he would NO longer use pornography websites. He would look right into my eyes and say those meaningless words.

I believed my husband. I tried to believe my husband. I wanted to believe my husband. Having a porn addict husband comes with the insanity of trying to catch him. I would look around our house for it. I would go on his computer to look for pictures. It consumed my every move. Each thought I had would be of my husband watching another woman in a sexual manner. The anger would start to boil inside of me. The anger of lusting after a fictional fantasy and not me! What kind of husband would do this? Am I not enough for him?

A few months would go by. I would still look for pornography. With all the looking I didn’t find anything. WOW? Is he telling me the truth? Did he actually conquer his porn addiction? I started to trust my husband AGAIN. I started to have sex with him AGAIN. I started to open myself up to him AGAIN. All of sudden, his mood would change. He would lash out for no reason. He would become depressed. I couldn’t understand why he was behaving like this. I was there for him. I was not upset with him. I showed him that I loved him. I was having sex with him……

I would become suspicious. I would look on his computer and a naked woman would be staring right at me. He betrayed me once again. I kept falling for this vicious cycle year, after year……I would hurt myself more and more. Each time this happen he took a piece of me with him. A piece of my heart, my soul, my duty as a wife.

His pornography addiction would never be his fault. He blamed me. He blamed our marriage. For years, I tried to make it right. I believed him. I was the root of his demise. I felt so guilty for pushing my husband into a world of porn addiction. I did NOT have sex with him. I was NOT adventurous. I was NOT sexy enough. I was NOT supplying his sexual needs. I was a loser of a wife. Why did he ever marry someone like me?

I was a ruined wife in a hopeless marriage. I read everything I could about pornography addiction. Why were the books telling me one thing and my husband telling me something totally different? Was he lying to be again?

One day something just snapped inside of me. I was NOT going to have my husband play the victim of his addiction. I was NOT going to have my husband tell me that I am his source of addiction. I was not the cocaine in his porn addiction. I was not the bad drug for his destructive behavior. NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!

My husband’s pornography addiction is his fault. He is the only one to blame.

I am not responsible for his addiction. I have tried to help him SEVERAL times. Our marriage has NOTHING to do with his pornography addiction. He would look at pornography if he was married to someone else. I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. He was addicted to porn before we were married. I was too naive to look at the red flags that were right in front of me. We had sex and we were adventurous. Our sex life had NOTHING to do with his addiction. I am sexy, and I was supplying his sexual needs. However, he continually needed the thrill of porn.

I am a damn good wife who stood by his side for many years. I have given him all of me. In return, I neglected myself. Why would he ever marry someone like me? The question is why would I marry someone like him? I was fooled. I was coming out of a break up and he was my rebound.

Never again will I subject myself to someone who behaves in this manner. I have learned a lot through the years of my destructive marriage. One thing I have learned is that pornography is a real addiction. The only way a person will get help is to admit to their addiction. To take responsibility for the chaos that they have caused to themselves and around them.

Ann

 

 

The What If’s

I recently commented on someone’s blog that the “what if’s” were paralyzing me in my husband’s porn addiction. They were consuming me and controlling my every move. What if my husband looked at pornography today? What if my husband lied to me? The countless fear I had inside was crippling me. I eventually released the what if’s to God. I knew I could not control my husband’s porn addiction. I did not want that monster to control me also. I had to give it to God to handle. I knew I have done everything in my power to help my husband. All I could do was pray for him and for his healing.

I do not think men realize the implications of their porn use. Especially the men who blame their wives for their porn habit. I felt like I was not good enough for my husband. I felt like I was sexually incapable of pleasing him. I felt like my body and my looks did not arouse him. I felt like a failure as a wife to provide that sexual fantasy that he wanted. Thanks to porn and my husband, my self-esteem was destroyed.

My husband chose a computer image of big breasted women who dressed like whores and who wore tons of makeup. I could not compete with those images. I do not have big breasts. I do not dress like a whore. I do not wear tons of make-up. Is this the type of woman my husband wants to be with? Is this the type of woman who he finds sexy? Every time I found pornography on his computer, I would ask myself the same questions. Why are you choosing an image and not your wife? Am I that ugly? What is wrong with me!

When I would have sex with my husband, I wanted to vomit. I was not sexually attracted to him. I did not trust him. I was not in love with him. His pornography use and his behavior repulsed me. I felt like I was having sex with a stranger who I met off the street. Who is this person? Where did he come from? What happened to the man I married?

If ever said “NO” to my husband, he would get angry with me. He would make me feel guilty for not having sex with him. He would say sex was my ammunition to control him. Yet, he did not understand that I was hurting. Hurting from the pain he caused in our marriage.

I am a much stronger woman now. I do not let the what if’s consume me. I do not let my husband’s pornography addiction control me.

I know that my husband had this addiction before we were married.

I know that I am not to blame for his addiction.

I know I am pretty and I am a confident woman who NEVER had to resort to pornography for an income.

Nothing is wrong with me! What is wrong with him?!

Nothing is wrong with my body and how I look.

I am too good for my husband. He does not deserve me.

I am sexually capable of pleasing my husband.

I did not fail as a wife.

I am healing from the pain he has caused in our marriage.

I do not feel guilty when I do not to have sex with him.

 

 

 

 

 

That Feeling

I came into work today and I can feel it. I can tell by husband’s tone with me and how he looks at me. By the way, for the people who do not know, I work for my husband. This feeling is something I have experienced countless times. This feeling is something that I do not have to confirm. It is written all over my husband’s face. The writing on his face should say, “I looked at porn today.”

Whenever my husband looks at pornography he acts depressed. He also snaps at me more than usual. The dead giveaway is the look he gives me. The look of disgust. My husband will look at me with pure revolt in his eyes. I can just feel the hatred, by the stare he gives me.

Why does my husband behave this way? He acts this way because, he blames me for his pornography use. He resorts to pornography for pleasure and release. This, in return, angers him. He should be angry at himself for falling into his sewage of temptation. However, he will never take the blame for his pornography use. He will never admit to his addiction. He wants me to suffer for his actions. I used to. Believe me, I would cry my heart out.

What he doesn’t know is that I have chosen not to suffer anymore. 

When my husband acts this way, I still have a smile on my face. I still have a positive attitude. I walk with my head held high, as he gives me that hateful stare. He does not bother me. I am not holding a gun up to his head and telling him to look at pornography. This is solely on him.

He is the only one who is held responsible for his addiction. 

I am NOT his enabler.

I have come to the realization that I am not broken. I am a strong woman with a broken husband. A broken husband who wants his wife to be broken as well. Misery loves company. Well, he better find someone else to be miserable with!

 

Ann