WRONG But Feels Right…..

I know it is wrong what I am doing. It is incredibly selfish and unmoral. If something is so wrong, why does it feel so right? Why does this bad thing feel so good? Is this how drug addicts feel? They know they are putting poison into their bodies. Yet, it feels so good to them when they are in a state of ecstasy.

I have wrote many poems in my life to describe my feelings. Sometimes I just can’t write how I feel in a normal sentence. This is a poem that I wrote a few days ago.

I put my shield up to block you
The feelings I have for you
Make me want to run
I don’t want to get hurt
I don’t want to feel. 

With every gentle touch
With every whisper in my ear
Make it stop
I want my heart to heal

I need to break away from you
I need to distance myself from you
My heart barricades its self from you
Your face pulls me closer

The wicked game we are playing is dangerous
We know who is going to get hurt
You are my drug
You are my addiction
You are my completion

With every soft kiss 
With every gaze from your blue eyes
I’m falling for you
No matter how hard I fight

The tears in my eyes can’t escape
They just want you more
I can no longer deny you
You have been everything that I have been looking for

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Ann

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Affair

I know once I begin to write about what has been happening, a lot of people will look down upon me. I understand that I have hurt my readers, my family, and myself. I am truthful in my writings however, my life has been a lie. It has been a lie for the past couple of months. When sin and temptation take over….Your mind and body suffer.

I have known this man for the past 6 years. I know him through work and he owns a company. We have been strictly on a work/customer basis. I have seen him a few different times throughout the years. We would always say, “Hi” to each other. That was it.

A few months ago our emails stopped being work related and became much more. I wrote about this on a different post. My intentions were to stop before I became emotionally attached to him. I didn’t……

He emailed me and asked me if I would like to get a drink with him. I said, “Yes”. I couldn’t believe my response. I kept on thinking to myself, “What do I have to lose?” We met up at a bar for a drink. We talked for an hour and it was amazing. I was instantly attracted to him. I could tell that the feeling was mutual. When we left the bar I did not hug him or touch him. We said “Goodbye” and that was it.

As I was driving home, all I could think about was him. I was buzzed with infatuation. Not even 10 minutes later he messaged me on FB. He said he wanted to see me again. My reply was, “Okay!” This was our new form of communication. We would message each other throughout the day and at night. Our convo’s would be interesting and we always had things to talk about. We had numerous things in common. I don’t know if it was infatuation or the attention. But, I felt myself falling for this man.

We saw each other a few different times and we would sit and talk. Nothing sexual happened. We started to open up to each other on a different level. We talked about our marriages. We talked about what we like about each other. We talked about everything. He was becoming my best friend and I was becoming his as well.

My husband did not have a clue. He was too busy with his life and with his friends. I always had a lot of time to myself because of my husband’s neglect. Now I was filling this time up with “him”. For the first time, in many years, I felt happy. I felt renewed. I felt free. I felt alive. He felt the same way.

For the past month our relationship has progressed into a sexual one. We have not had sex. However, it does not take much to cross the line. We have crossed it. Our chemistry with each other is just amazing. I am not proud. This experience has been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I have told myself to not get attached to him. I have told myself that he is only using me. I have told myself that he will never belong to me. My mind is telling me one thing and my heart is doing something else. It is longing for him…..

I know a lot of you are shaking your heads. Maybe you want me to wake up and see the light. My intentions were never to commit adultery. I never would have imagined something like this happening. EVER. I can’t explain how I am feeling right now. I can’t even put it into words. This is something I had to confess. It is sinful and I do feel like a horrible person. I am not trying to justify my actions. I am not trying to get my husband back for everything that he has done. I don’t know what I am doing. That’s why I am writing this right now. Woman cheating on her husband

 

Ann

 

 

I Told Him…….

I know it has been a while since I have written anything. I needed some time to digest everything. With that being said…. I told my husband……

I told my husband that I was not in love with him anymore. I told my husband that I have been alone in this marriage long enough. I told my husband that he does not treat me how a wife should be treated. I told my husband that I could never see us grow old together. I told my husband that I don’t see our marriage working out. I told my husband that I think its time for us to move on.

I didn’t say the “D” word. However, he knew what I was talking about. What was his reaction? My husband was flabbergasted to say the least. He actually thought everything was wonderful between us……Which I find that eerie.  These were his comments:

“I am sorry I could never make you happy.”

“You need to tell me what you want. How am I supposed to know what you need?”

“I’m a piece of sh** loser”

“I have always been there for you. You never want to do anything and that is why I go out with my friends. What do you want me to do? Sit by you the whole night?”

All of his comments finalized my decision even more. The blame, the defensiveness, the triangulation, the lack of empathy that he puts on me. No more. My husband has been sleeping downstairs. We have been talking. I have been friendly with him. I feel no hatred towards him. I do not want to fight. I want to be set free. This is one step into gaining my freedom again.

young-happy-woman-is-running-and-jumping-by-the-camera-blue-sky-and-green-grass-on-the-background-slow-motion-240-fps-freedom-and-happiness-concept_evmmc074ol__F0000

Ann

The Blind Man’s Meal

After several months and millions of dots my picture is finally completed. I wanted to give up and start over. But, I stuck with it. I took on something that was difficult, but I completed it with the best of my ability. That is what I do in life. It reminds me a lot of my marriage.

I love Picasso’s artwork. I can stare at a Picasso painting and be mesmerized by the strokes and details that he used. This is my second artwork that I have done from Picasso’s blue period. Picasso’s blue period was “melancholy and despair”. Unfortunately, it did not make him into a prominent artist. He sold very few pieces. The elite did not want to buy paintings of prostitutes, the blind, and the less fortunate. Now it’s one of Picasso’s most popular collections.

Ironically, I have felt a lot of melancholy and despair in my marriage. Years after years I have felt the pain of hopelessness. Lately I have been changing my hopelessness into happiness. That is for a different post. However, I am doing things for myself that bring me enjoyment. Whether it is art or going shopping for myself. I am a work in progress that will be complete in life. Just like a piece of artwork.

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Ann

Not Affected By His Behavior

On Saturday night my husband came home after 3 am. He was out with his friends. I was sound asleep when he came home. I woke up as he was walking into our bedroom. It startled me. I glanced at the clock and I asked no questions. I fell back to sleep and slept soundly.

I woke up Sunday morning and made breakfast for everyone. I proceeded to do yard work and laundry the rest of the day. Not one word was mentioned and not one questioned was asked about his night out. I took care of the things that I had to do around the house. I had a very productive day!

Yesterday I knew my husband was looking at pornography. I had evidence of his doing. I was NOT looking around for it. However, it showed up and flashed its ugly face at me. I am not going to go into details about what happened. I did not confront my husband. I made dinner last night and had a very enjoyable evening with my girls.

Now the part that some may not like to hear. My writings are my honest true feelings. I write from my heart and how I am feeling at the time.

My husband’s behavior did NOT affect me. I was NOT upset that he came home after 3 am. I was NOT upset about his little secret he was hiding from me yesterday. It’s the strangest thing. Before my husband’s actions would have ruined me. His actions did not faze me.

I guess I am at a place in my life where I am thinking about myself and not him. His behavior will never change. I am not giving him a hall pass. I am not cheering him on for his lack of respect. I am just simply letting go.

quotes about not caring anymore and moving on Inspirational 37 Moving Quotes That Will Help You Let It Go Collection

Ann

Pornography And My Marriage

I know sometimes I sound like a broken record. However, I can’t stress enough that pornography contributed to the destruction of my marriage.

I look back on how many times my husband has lied to me. He has lied to me that he is NOT watching porn. He has lied to me that he is NOT addicted to pornography. He has lied to me that he would NO longer use pornography websites. He would look right into my eyes and say those meaningless words.

I believed my husband. I tried to believe my husband. I wanted to believe my husband. Having a porn addict husband comes with the insanity of trying to catch him. I would look around our house for it. I would go on his computer to look for pictures. It consumed my every move. Each thought I had would be of my husband watching another woman in a sexual manner. The anger would start to boil inside of me. The anger of lusting after a fictional fantasy and not me! What kind of husband would do this? Am I not enough for him?

A few months would go by. I would still look for pornography. With all the looking I didn’t find anything. WOW? Is he telling me the truth? Did he actually conquer his porn addiction? I started to trust my husband AGAIN. I started to have sex with him AGAIN. I started to open myself up to him AGAIN. All of sudden, his mood would change. He would lash out for no reason. He would become depressed. I couldn’t understand why he was behaving like this. I was there for him. I was not upset with him. I showed him that I loved him. I was having sex with him……

I would become suspicious. I would look on his computer and a naked woman would be staring right at me. He betrayed me once again. I kept falling for this vicious cycle year, after year……I would hurt myself more and more. Each time this happen he took a piece of me with him. A piece of my heart, my soul, my duty as a wife.

His pornography addiction would never be his fault. He blamed me. He blamed our marriage. For years, I tried to make it right. I believed him. I was the root of his demise. I felt so guilty for pushing my husband into a world of porn addiction. I did NOT have sex with him. I was NOT adventurous. I was NOT sexy enough. I was NOT supplying his sexual needs. I was a loser of a wife. Why did he ever marry someone like me?

I was a ruined wife in a hopeless marriage. I read everything I could about pornography addiction. Why were the books telling me one thing and my husband telling me something totally different? Was he lying to be again?

One day something just snapped inside of me. I was NOT going to have my husband play the victim of his addiction. I was NOT going to have my husband tell me that I am his source of addiction. I was not the cocaine in his porn addiction. I was not the bad drug for his destructive behavior. NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!

My husband’s pornography addiction is his fault. He is the only one to blame.

I am not responsible for his addiction. I have tried to help him SEVERAL times. Our marriage has NOTHING to do with his pornography addiction. He would look at pornography if he was married to someone else. I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. He was addicted to porn before we were married. I was too naive to look at the red flags that were right in front of me. We had sex and we were adventurous. Our sex life had NOTHING to do with his addiction. I am sexy, and I was supplying his sexual needs. However, he continually needed the thrill of porn.

I am a damn good wife who stood by his side for many years. I have given him all of me. In return, I neglected myself. Why would he ever marry someone like me? The question is why would I marry someone like him? I was fooled. I was coming out of a break up and he was my rebound.

Never again will I subject myself to someone who behaves in this manner. I have learned a lot through the years of my destructive marriage. One thing I have learned is that pornography is a real addiction. The only way a person will get help is to admit to their addiction. To take responsibility for the chaos that they have caused to themselves and around them.

its-better-to-be-unhappy-alone-then-to-be-unhappy-with-someone-else

Ann

 

 

I Deserve Happiness In My Life

For years I have been telling myself I do not deserve more. I am not worthy, and I am a sinful person. I have done evil things in my past and why would God bless me with things that I do not deserve? I have been telling myself that all marriages are like mine. I have been telling myself that things will never get better.

Fast forward to the present. We are all sinners. No matter if you have killed someone to telling a white lie… A sin is a sin. God forgives us for our sins. We repent and ask for forgiveness. This is when healing occurs. This was a true revelation to me when I came to God. Yes, my “sinner self” was cleansed. However, my marriage was not.

My husband would always say to me,

“Ann, every guy is like me.”

“I try to make you happy but everything I do for you….You get on me.”

“All marriages are like ours. Everyone fights and doesn’t get along at times.” 

“Ann, you are not living in reality if you think you can find something better.”

“You are living in a fantasy world.”

“Everything I do I do it for us.”

My list can go on and on…. This is a perfect example of brainwashing. My husband has been diligently trying to tell me his behavior is “normal”. He is justifying it with his lies.

His lies that our marriage is “normal” It is far from normal……

He lies that all guys are like him. If all guys were like him, the divorce rate would go off the charts. 

He lies that my happiness matters to him. He is a very selfish person. HIS happiness only matters in our marriage. 

He lies that all marriages are like ours. Marriages ARE NOT like ours. Not even close!!!! 

He lies that I will never find something better. I can find something better. I deserve to be happy.  

He lies that I live in a fantasy world. I have logical dreams and aspirations that I will accomplish. He is not going to stop me. 

He lies that everything he does is for us. Everything he does is for his benefit only. The word “us” is left out in our marriage. 

I deserve much more than what he has put me through. I deserve happiness, peace, love, contentment, and a “normal” marriage. One day I will have all of these things. With or without him. I am worthy, and I should be treated with dignity and respect. One day everything will come together.

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Ann