Are You Going To Hit Me?

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Last night during one of my husband’s tantrums he said the following, “All I want is some compassion!” He was screaming in front of my oldest daughter and I about how difficult he has it. He said that he is over worked, underappreciated, and has no time for anything. It was a pure pathetic rant for all of us to feel sorry for him. My daughter pointed out to him that he has time for his friends but not his family. His stance changed immediately after she said that to him. She said, “Are you going to hit me?” He looked like a lion ready to attack. She was not provoking him in any way. She was simply stating the truth. I said something back to my husband and he looked like he was going to hit me as well. He said, “Why does everyone think I am going to hit them?” When your eyes turn dark and you are making fists with your hands, what are we supposed to think?

I was calm during his tantrum. I was praying to myself. My daughter was crying. My husband was yelling. He left the room and I consoled my daughter. My heart broke for her last night. I was so angry with my husband. I wanted to choke him. I held it all together for my daughter. I did not cry. I did not scream or yell. I stayed strong and firm. My daughter also said to him, “You have your priorities all messed up.” Consequently, this is true. Every word that came out of my daughter’s mouth was honest and truthful. My husband was irritated with me because I did not side with him. If I did, I would be handing my soul over to the Devil. That was not going to happen!

How can someone show compassion to a person who lacks compassion?

How can someone show empathy to a person who lacks empathy?

How can someone show respect to a person who is disrespectful?

How can someone show love to a person who shows hate?

My husband demands all of these things but gives NOTHING back. All he gives is more chaos and grief.

I hate to admit this but sometimes I feel my eyes drifting elsewhere………

 

 

 

Ann

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Pain “Down There”?

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I was not going to write about this issue. After a few days of going back and forth I decided I would. Maybe someone out there would give me their insight and understanding about this topic.

Over a week ago my husband told me that his testicles were swollen and painful. He said he did not lift anything heavy or do anything differently.  He has no pain while urinating.  I asked him if he was with someone else. My first thought was an STD. He denied being with anyone else. Of course! I told him to wait a few days for the swelling to go down. If it doesn’t subside, he should see his doctor.

After a few days passed, I asked him how he was feeling. He said that he has an attached “bump” on his testicle. The bump is on the front of his testicle and not on the back. It is very sensitive and painful. I do not believe it is testicular cancer. Once again, I told him to see his doctor. He told me he is embarrassed to have his doctor look at his “junk”.

I am not an expert on men’s issues “down there”. Is this something I should be worried about? Will something like this go away on its own? Is this an STD? Any insight about this matter would be greatly appreciated!

 

Ann

 

 

I Am Going To Miss You

I have been watching your show “Parts Unknown” since it aired in 2013. I would love to have your job. You traveled all over the world to eat, drink, and meet extraordinary people. You consumed many calories, yet you managed to stay incredibly skinny. How did you stay so thin? Was it exercise? Was it your metabolism? I would love to know!

Not only did you have a popular TV show, you were also an amazing chef. Your skills in the kitchen made me want to dabble with some difficult recipes. If I only knew how to master some of your techniques. I guess that is why I am not a wonderful cook. Or an average cook to say the least. Your recipes always looked so delicious!

You seemed like you had it all together. You were talented, humorous, adventuresome, and outgoing. I am sure you did not have to worry about money or your next job. You also seemed like you had close friends which you brought on to your show from time to time. You seemed like you had a very likable personality. You went to places that many people would not want to travel to. Yet, you went there! You talked to people who lived in extremely poor conditions. You didn’t care if they were war-torn countries or countries that were economically depressed. You still experienced their culture and their food.

When I looked at my phone this morning and saw the breaking news “Anthony Bourdain found dead at 61.” I couldn’t believe it. I was saddened. When I found out that you committed suicide by hanging yourself. I was blown away. How could a man who is a father of a young child end his life? How could a man who has wealth and fame end his life? If you only knew how many people admired you and how many people would have loved to have your life.

Suicide is not only a problem for the less fortunate. It is a problem for the fortunate too.

I am going to miss you even though I have never met you.

 

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Ann

Finding Some Humor

I am trying to add some humor in my life while being married to my narcissist husband.  My husband’s behavior used to make me angry inside. I wanted to shake him until all the narcissistic remarks would leave his body. I have come to the conclusion that I would be shaking him for eternity. That is too much for me to bare. Instead, I am playing his game with humor.

Yesterday my husband came home from one of his club meetings. He was going on and on about what he was doing for this club. Remind you, he does not help me at all. I said to him, “Oh, I don’t know what they would do without you! I honestly do not know what our city would do without you!” Yes, I was being sassy. But, it made me laugh. His grandiose behavior was protruding through his head. I thought of him as a cartoon character. It made me chuckle. He said, “Ann, why do you have to be so mean?”

Last night we were lying in bed. My husband hugs me. He asked me why I have been so snippy and confrontational with him. I simply said, “Oh. I have been? I haven’t noticed. I am sorry you feel that way.” Once again, he is the poor victim.

SNIPPY– I have been saying some sassy responses back to him. The words that come out of his mouth are hilarious to me. It is all an act and I am on to him. I am done being his leading lady and I want to act like “Ann”.

CONFRONTATIONAL– I have stopped agreeing with him. I don’t have to. When I do not agree with him he thinks I am being confrontational. So be it! I am my own person with my own views and mind.

This has been such an eye-opening journey for me. I am finally getting some spunk back into my life. I kind of like it! I also been reading about ways to win with a narcissist. I have been using a lot of the techniques. Putting a name to my husband’s behavior has really given me hope. Not the hope to change him. The hope to change myself from a cocoon to a butterfly. Also, finding a little humor along the way is so well worth it!

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THIS IS SO TRUE!!

 

Enjoy your weekend!

Ann

 

I Am Finally Healing After 24 Years

While growing up I would tell my mother how I would feel about something. It sometimes would be about a friend or a boyfriend. I really wanted her advice to see if I was doing the right thing or not. My mother would listen to me speak. All of a sudden, she would change the subject and tell me what she is going through. As I grew older I stopped communicating my feelings to her.

When I found out about my mother’s other family My Mother’s Secret Life

I felt betrayed and lied to by my mother. I told her that I was very angry. My mother said she was “sorry” even though she stilled justified her actions. In her eyes, she did the right thing. Basically, I should get over it. What was done was done.

I “got over” the situation by acting out and doing horrible destructive things. I kept my emotions inside. I did not want to argue with her and cause more tension. I had to deal with it alone. I understand that she was trying to have a relationship with her other children. She did not want them to hate her for being absent in their lives. I did not want to come in between the fresh start she wanted to have with them.

When I met my siblings, it was emotionally overwhelming for me. I did not know what to say or how to react. I was silent most of the time. I was not trying to be rude to them. I believe I did not have anything left inside of me. My siblings tried to reach out to me. They were very kind people who had families and were successful. Yet, I always retreated and stayed away. The last time I saw them was 21 years ago.

Two weeks ago, one of my siblings messaged me about something. This is the first communication I have had in many years. When I read the message, I experienced such an intense feeling. It is difficult to describe in words. Put it this way, I felt a warming in my heart. For the past 2 weeks we have been communicating by email. This is the most I have ever communicated with one of my half siblings before.

In our emails we have both been very open and honest with each other. In one of my emails I said the following:

You are family and will always be family to me. I have had a significant amount of anger, guilt, and hurt throughout my life. Not with you or any of my other siblings. However, the countless lies have affected me substantially. This has shaped me into being the person who I am today. I have never withheld things from daughters. Nor have I ever lied to them about my life. They know about you and my other siblings. I do not want to say much more for than this. That is for a different time and place. If you could accept my apology, I would greatly appreciate it. Too much time has passed. I am very sorry for the disconnection that I imposed.

For the past 24 years I did not know how to deal with this situation. I did not know how to move on. Until now…..This has been such a gift from God and a journey of healing for me. I finally feel like I am not alone.

 

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Ann

 

 

 

 

 

Writing About Abuse

Sometimes I feel like I write in circles. I repeat the same words over and over again. I often write about the same subject. To the point where I feel like my statement has been made the first time. But things pop into my little mind and I write more about the same subject. Pornography is a subject that I have written about relentlessly. I will continue to write about pornography until it is no longer in my husband’s life.

I write about things that are on my mind. Most of the things are bothersome. Some are happy thoughts. Some are a cry for help. Some are difficult to hear. They are all true and they are all part of who I am. I truly envy the people on WordPress who write about cooking, travelling, happy marriages, and crafts. How I wish I was one of them! However, God has me writing about my experiences in my abusive marriage.

Abuse is never dull to write about. It is never boring. I always have a past event or a present situation that I have to express. I never would have imagined writing about abuse. Let alone myself being the victim. In my writings I express my anger, frustrations, and my healing. I am extremely open with my words and emotions. My goal is not gain followers or to have 100 likes. My goal is to write about my journey and to show other women that they are not alone.

I had a person email me recently about her blog. She thought her writing was becoming boring. I wanted to cry……. She is experiencing emotional and physical abuse. She writes about the abuse in such a way, I wish I had the ability to do the same. I have read her posts and they are so heartfelt. However, she always has self-doubt. She always questions her abilities and her actions in almost every writing. This is so typical for an abused woman. I do the same sometimes. If she is reading this I want her to know that she is such a courageous woman to share her story.

Abuse is not an easy subject to write about. Abuse does not get boring to read. Abuse does not label your experience in writing.

Abuse is conquered by writing your story. Abuse is conquered by other readers giving you advice. Abuse is conquered because you are loved. Abuse is conquered by helping other women see that they are not alone.  

 

Stay true to yourself and write about your feelings! Write about what makes you happy and not your readers! This post is for you! You know who you are!

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Ann

Taming The Lion

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Right after I posted On And Off Switch my husband turned his switch to “On”. He was not directing his anger towards me. He was directing his anger towards an employee. I was standing right next to my husband. I could see the rage in his face. His face turned red and his eyes were glaring. My husband’s employee criticized him about something. The employee was not being rude. He was being truthful. My husband does not handle criticism too well. My husband was violently yelling at his employee. After the rage, that my husband caused, I apologized to the employee.

In the past, this type of behavior would have scare me. It would make my mood turn sour. Not this time. My husband’s behavior was not going to ruin my day. Like I said in my previous post, “When it ends, I will not end with it.” Yesterday, I remained positive. Afterwards my husband was looking for sympathy. He should have been looking for it elsewhere. His actions were intolerable, and mood was foul. I, on the other hand, was smiling and acting upbeat. He was not going to bring me down with him!

I continued to carry myself this way for the rest of the day. Later in the evening, I texted him to see if he would like to go out to dinner. Our girls were at an activity. To my amazement he said, “Sure!”. We met up for dinner. I continued being my cheerful self. All of a sudden he snapped. My husband switched his button to “Off”. He started to smile and laugh as well. Scary…

2 months ago, my husband’s mood would have caused me to shut down. It would have caused me to become depressed and angry. I would have never texted him and I would have stayed clear from his path. I want him to know that his moods do not upset. I am not the cause of his anger.

Before I went to bed, I prayed for his employee. I asked God to look over him. I also asked God to heal any wounds my husband caused.

This morning I talked to him. He said, “Ann, you are so different.” I said “Yes, I am. I would never do that to someone.” I treat everyone equally and with respect.

This is a very overpowering experience for me. Even though it may not look like it….. I am still moving forward….

 

 

Ann