I had my annual doctors appointment last week. It was for a pap-smear. I weigh 101 lbs. I haven’t weighed this amount since I was in college. The stress that has been eating me has been eating my weight too. When I am under stress, I do not have an appetite.
My husband had a vasectomy 8 years ago. However, I am on the pill due to my painful periods. My doctor asked me how the pill has been working out and if anything has changed. I said, “No” That was a lie. I have a change in sexual partners. That has been the first time for me in the past 19 years. As I was being examined, I felt uneasy. I felt disgusting. I felt embarrassed.
Now, I am going to go back 2 weekends ago. I went out with some friends. The town, where I live, was having a festival. We went to some bars. At one of them, a man started talking to me. He was 6 years younger than me. I didn’t think I would ever attract a younger man….All of a sudden he noticed my wedding ring. He was very apologetic and embarrassed. I told him that it was fine and I should have said something first to him. He said that I am a very beautiful woman and that my husband is a very luck guy…….. I walked away.
Going back to what I was saying earlier. I don’t feel beautiful. I feel disgusting. I feel nothing. I feel dark and empty. My husband never tells me that I am pretty. He never compliments me. Matt compliments me all the time. He tells me how beautiful I am. He tells me that I have a killer body. Yet, I don’t believe him. I believe that Matt is saying these things to get what he wants from me. Sex. A random guy at the bar tells me that I am beautiful. What did I do? I walked away from him. What does he want from me? The same thing? Sex? Is that all I am good for?
I feel used after having sex with my husband. That is the only time he is nice to me. When he wants something sexual. With Matt, is he any different? Why do people use me? Why do I let people use me? I am scared that I will never find a man who truly loves me for who I am. Not for how I look. Not for sex. For me….