Tornado Of Emotions

My emotions are a twisting tornado that keeps going around and around in my head. Since my MIL has been staying with us for the past week, my husband has been “sane” for the most part. I know it is all an act. However, with the “saneness” of my husband comes a tornado of emotions. What am I feeling right now?

I am filled with sadness….

I am raging with anger…..

I am feeling forgiveness for him……

I am feeling love for him………

I am feeling sympathy for him……

I am feeling guilt!!!!

Yes, guilt!!!

I am very upset with myself for feeling ANY remorse for him. This past Monday my husband started to talk to me again. The attention and smoothness in his voice draws me back again. WHY am I doing this to myself? I know when my MIL leaves it will be back to the way it was. My husband does not want his mother to know his dirty little secret. This cycle of abuse is so daunting. I know have to stay strong and not give into his act. It is all a lie to make himself look good in front of his mother.

“By numbing myself from your pain is better than feeling the effects from your abuse. No matter how hard you stab me you will no longer hurt me.” 

A.R.

Advertisements

The Cutting Edge Of Your Tongue

These are some statements my husband said to me a few nights ago.

 

“Have fun and enjoy your life!”

It is incredibly hard for me to have fun and enjoy my life. My husband is a leech and he has sucked all the fun and enjoyment out of me. I feel hopelessness and despair. I truly want to have fun and enjoy my life. I am beginning to realize that it will never be with him……

“You are being passive-aggressive!”

This is what my husband, said to turn things around, so he is the victim. He is a vicious tornado. He is always twisting and turning the truths to portray himself as a victim. This kind of manipulation is overwhelming. He points out everything that I am doing wrong. All of the devious things I am doing wrong are the things he is doing to me!

“You would leave me in a heartbeat if you found someone who would treat you better!”

This is the sentence that made me cringe. I have NEVER cheated on my husband. I have took an oath to God. With that oath I have stood firm and I have prayed that someday God would change my husband’s heart. My husband knows how I feel about adultery. When he made this comment it made me feel dirty. Basically calling your wife a “slut” is demoralizing.

“It drives me crazy to be with you and the girls sometimes. That is why I leave and do my own thing.”

I have NO words for this statement. I did not ask him what it was that drove him crazy. Any man that would say this about his family is a very Godless man. I have gave 110% of myself to my husband and my girls. This was the first time my husband has ever said that statement before. I am trying to block it from my mind. Every time I think about it makes me cry.

 

To make things even more difficult my mother in law is visiting us this week. She is staying at our house. She is a wonderful woman who I love dearly. However, she would not believe me if I told her about her son’s manipulation. Even though my heart is ripped out of me I still have to maintain my sanity and walk around like everything is perfect.

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life of whom shall I be afraid?”

Psalm 27:1

 

 

 

 

 

Questions For My Husband….

Would you like our girls to find husbands who would treat them how you treat me?

Would you like your friends to treat you how you treat me?

Would you like your parents to treat you how you treat me?

Would you like your employees to treat you how you treat me?

Would you like complete strangers to treat you how you treat me?

Would you like your wife to treat you as you treat me?

The sad part about is that, I would NEVER want you to be treated that way……….

 

Why My Husband Should Not Be A Gun Owner

After yesterday’s tragedy in Las Vegas it really made me think about gun control. I agree with the 2nd Amendment. However, I do agree with tighter restrictions on who can own a gun. I believe people who suffer from narcissism should NOT own a gun.

My husband keeps all of his 25+ guns and ammo at his business. Yes, I said 25+ guns. I work for my husband so I do find this extremely uncomfortable. I am not a gun enthusiast. I do not see any reason why a person should have this many guns. In his back room it is like an arsenal. He has always told me that he will never give up his guns. At one point of time he did have his Federal Fire Arm Licenses. But, that was taken away by the ATF when they came to my husband’s company to look at his gun sale records. That was a complete joke because, how can a narcissist keep anything organized? God bless the ATF!

Five years ago, I almost hit rock bottom. I told my husband that I wanted out. I could not deal with his lying, pornography, verbal abuse, and his insane behavior overall. He went into his office and grabbed a handgun. He held it tightly in his hand. I don’t know if it was loaded at the time or not at the time. All I remember him saying was that he was going to kill himself. If I left him- he would have nothing to live for. I was shaking and crying. I begged him to put the gun down. I told him I was not going to leave him. After he heard those 5 words, he finally put the gun down.

My husband has used suicide as a tactic for a while now. That is one of the main reasons I stay. If he ever did commit suicide, I know I would be filled with guilt. My husband should NOT own ONE gun. His temper can go from zero to 60 within one second.  He has never threatened my own life. However, I am not 100% that it will never happen.

 

I Should Have Kept My Mouth Shut! One Week Later…

It has been one week since I have written “I Should Have Kept My Mouth Shut!” Well, my concerns were NEVER brought up again. Actually, I feel like that argument never happened. I am glad that I posted it on my blog. If I didn’t, I would question my “craziness” again. My husband acts as if nothing happened. I am not going to dare bring it up to him! Why torture myself again. I feel like he swept it up under the couch so he could forget about it. Once more, nothing is resolved. It is so bizarre…..

During our argument last week he said to me, “I thought you had thick skin. I like telling people what to do. I tell my friends what to do all the time. Andy stands up for himself and he tells me, no!”

That sentence really clinched my heart. First, what kind of husband would say that to their wife? Secondly, yes I need to grow some thick skin to put up with him! This past week I have been TRYING my hardest to ignore his evil personality. I don’t know if that is a healthy thing to do? I have been walking around more upbeat and positive. Showing him that I have “thick skin”.

I have been a good wife this past week. I have taken care of all of the household duties and our children. On Saturday, we met up with another couple and had dinner with them. All the while my husband was talking about his good deeds, I did not say a word. I did everything to keep my food down. On Sunday, I had to cheer him on at a Barbecue competition. I smiled and acted like I really wanted to be there. Trust me, that was the last place I wanted to be. I did it all for him!

That is what is different about us. I have to support him, love him, encourage him, and be there for him. On the other hand, my husband is a ghost. He is translucent to all of those feelings.

 

 

 

In Your Twisted Pathetic Mind This Is What YOU See……………

I scream like a raging mad woman, YOU talk.

I cry my eyes out with agony, You laugh.

I am dumb and useless, You are intelligent.

I am crazy and should see a physiologist, YOU are sane.

I am all alone because I choose to be, YOU have many friends.

I blame myself because everything is my fault, YOU are always right.

I lie and twist the truth, YOU can only tell the truth.

I push you away, YOU are the victim.

I push your buttons because I want to fight, YOU never start an argument.

 

If I treat you so poorly WHY are you married to a woman like me?

 

I have loved YOU!

I have supported YOU!

I have always been faithful to YOU!

I have lied for YOU!

I have stood up for YOU!

I have cared for YOU when you were sick!

I have prayed for healing for YOU!

 

You will NEVER see these things because, all you see is how wonderful you are. The sad part about it is that you would be NOTHING without me. I have enabled your twisted behavior. By my enabling you have become more of a monster. A monster who thinks he can get away with anything.

I found this quote last night and it hit home to me.

 

“Sometimes we refuse to see how bad something is until it completely destroys us.”

 

My husband completely destroyed me because I am finally beginning to see it!

 

 

 

I Should Have Kept My Mouth Shut!

Well, I did it! I opened up to my passive aggressive/narcissistic husband. I told him how I was feeling. I told him that I feel all ‘alone”. I never raised my voice to him and I being honest with my feelings. Big Mistake!! This is what happened.

  1. He asked me what I was talking about.
  2. He shook his head and acted like I was “crazy” while he was laughing.
  3. He twisted what trying to say to him.
  4. He went into defense mode and told me EVERYTHING I was doing wrong.
  5. He slept downstairs. Nothing was resolved.

He told me he wants to be married to me but I am making his life difficult. Difficult!!! Difficult!!!

I can’t even write into words what and how I am feeling right now. I feel completely and utterly helpless.