Saying Goodbye For Now

After deep thought and prayer I am going to take a step back from writing. Even though it is extremely therapeutic, I have to focus on other things in my life. For one, I need to focus on myself and my healing. In order for me to heal I have to commit to a few things on my list that I have been procrastinating over.

I am thankful for everyone who reads my blog. Thank you for the show of support for my ongoing turbulent issues in life. I now know that I am not alone and I am not a disillusion person. Thank you all for sharing your stories of your perseverance and empowerment. This has encouraged me immensely to bring some changes to my life.




Repressed No Longer


During the most degrading experiences with my husband, I have used my defense mechanism of reppression. I have repressed a few memories and incidents that have happened during the course of my marriage. I keep these memories tucked inside a black hole in my mind. They are supposed to gather dust and not to be ever thought of again. This helps me go on with my daily life in my marriage.

I was getting ready to leave to go to work this morning and out of nowhere one of those repressed memories popped back into my mind. I was in our garage and this memory came and hit me like a lightning bolt. It literally came out of nowhere. If I put this memory back in again, I know I am taking a step backwards from my healing. I believe God wants me to deal with this demon and that is what I am going to do.

Seven years ago I was in a storm. The is the same black tornado that has been rotating in my life for the past 17 years. The storm that has been filled with deceit. During that summer, my husband was complaining that he might have hemorrhoids. I have never experienced them before so I really did not know what he was going through. He said that they were extremely itchy and sometimes they would bleed. My husband bought hemorrhoid cream and used it for a month. Consequently, the cream was not working. I told him to make an appointment to see his doctor.

I remember when he got back from his appointment he was very upset. I asked him what happened. He said, ” Dr. H doesn’t know what it is. He thinks it is an STD or something. He is referring me to a specialist.” I said to him “What? How could this be? You have only been with me.” As you can see, I was in denial.

I made sure I went to my husband’s appointment to see the specialist. The first question that the specialist asked my husband, was if he had unprotected sex. We both said “NO!” I said to the doctor that I nor my husband have had no other sexual partners in the past 10 years. The doctor examined my husband and asked him if he was sure he did not have unprotected sex. My husband said “Yes! I am for sure.” The doctor said that my husband had the HPV virus. The doctor asked me if I was experiencing any of the same symptoms as my husband. I said “No!”

After the appointment I felt numb. My husband reassured me several times that he was not with anyone else. I just remember shaking and wanting to believe him. Yet, a part of me knew he was lying. Later that night, while we were in bed, he started to blame me. He said that I had more sexual partners than he ever did. He said that he got this STD from me. I cried…. That was the only thing I could do was cry.

I can no longer repress this awful memory. I have to open it and set it free. I can’t harbor these feelings of blame no longer. God willing, I know I have more to come. I have to make peace and I have to know that I did nothing wrong in this awful situation. This was not my fault and this was not the results of my actions. This was my husband’s mistake and he should take ownership and not blame.

Do you think my husband was with some other woman?

I do




Ring Of Fire


My husband’s rage of wrath was 3 days ago. It was on a Tuesday afternoon. The scars of his words are still inside of me. When I see him, they smolder inside of me like a fire that is still flaming. I want him to burn and feel the pain. I know that will never happen. He is an empty and hollow man. I can tell by the blank stare on his face.

He walks around like nothing has happened. Everything is fine in his perfect world of pretend. My husband does not feel guilt or shame. He was trying to help me. In his eyes, I am a sensitive, irrational, and an evil woman who is crazy. My husband is the victim of my manipulation and carnage that I bestow upon him. Feeling blameless he can hold his head up high as he walks around. He is a sane man who does wonderful deeds for the community he lives in. Why would any one question his immorality?

If my husband felt one ounce of empathy, he would collapse. The weight would fall on him like a huge bulging force on his heart. He would finally burn and feel pain. I do not think he would burn and feel the pain he caused me. That burn would bring him to death. He would feel the burning pain that he caused other people. The people who are below his status and do not gain his recognition. These people tried to mess with him and he made their lives a living, inferno of hell.

I know my burning and smoldering pain will come to an end. My scars will heal. I will be absent from his life and no longer in his burning ring of fire.












Exposing The Abuse To My Brother

I have not seen my brother since my sister in-law passed away. My brother has remarried and started a whole new chapter in his life. I am happy for him. However, it took a while for the girls and I to adjust to his new life. It all happened very quickly. However, my new sister in-law is a very nice, Christian woman and I think we will become very close.

After visiting with my mother yesterday and discussing her options, my brother asked if I would like to go out to lunch. I said yes, even though any type of food did not sound good. But, I wanted to talk privately with my brother and my new sister in-law, “M”.

My brother has known for a very long time that something has been “wrong”. When he would ask me, I would always brush off the question. I never told him the real truth. First, I did not think anything was “wrong” and secondly I did not want my brother to hate my husband. I did this for the sake of our families. This past July, God opened my eyes. Yes, something was wrong! Yes, I need help!

My brother asked me what was going on with my husband and I. I started to cry and shake. I told my brother what happened after his phone call the other day. How my husband really laid into me. My brother looked at me and with his mouth opened. I could see the distress in his eyes. My brother said that he always knew that something was not right with my husband. I told M and my brother bits and pieces of the abuse that I have endured for the past 17 years. I was not ready to expose everything. However, what I did say made my brother and M want to cry. M hugged me as I was crying and she said that she will be here for me.

My brother’s first reaction was to protect me. I told him that he would make things worse if he went after my husband. I told both of them that I have a plan. I am doing everything slowly, step by step. My brother told me to do the following things:

*Do not do anything until my youngest daughter is 18 (in 3 1/2 more years). 

*Put a stash a money away each week

*Find a different job

*See a Financial Adviser 

All of the above things have been in my plan. My brother said that my husband is going to fight me with everything he has and he is going to tarnish my name. He is going to make me look crazy and evil. My brother said that my husband will drag this divorce on for the pure pleasure of hurting me. Everything that my brother and M said was the truth.

My brother and M both said that plenty of guys would treat me better than how I have been treated. They also called my husband a f******  a****** for having 3 beautiful women in his life and ruining everything.

Nine months ago I would have NEVER exposed the abuse to anyone. I didn’t even think it was abuse that I was going through. I thought it was all me… and my actions. It took a lot of courage for me to expose just a few things. However, this is the beginning of my journey to heal.

I had 6 hours of driving yesterday to think about everything. While I was in my car, I cried and I prayed. I know deep down in my heart, that this is one step in the right direction.




Punching Bag

After hearing from my brother and finding out about my mother’s prognosis, my husband tore into me with vengeance today:

He started to yell at me and blame me for disconnecting myself from my mother. He said that he does not understand my upbringing.

He blamed me for not having a relationship with my brother.

He was yelling at me telling me that I should have handled things sooner with my mother.

He said that he does not feel love from me (remind you we are taking about my mother’s health).  I do not know where this fits into place.

He said that I am going to walk around for the next 3 months depressed and in agony because of my mother’s health.

He said that he has absolutely nothing wrong with him emotionally and I have something wrong with me.

He said that he had to force guilt on to me so that I do not harbor my feelings inside.

He said that I do not make sense and he does not understand me.

He said that I was evil.

His blank stare made me want to strangle him.


I found out about my mother’s health today and I am a punching bag for my husband today. I sat almost complete silence during my husband’s rampage. Every time I tried to defend myself I got slapped in the face and felt more demise. Why does he treat me like this when he knows that I am hurting?





My Mother Has Alzheimer’s Disease

I recently got a call from my brother. A phone call that I did not want. I live 3 hours away from my brother and my mother. I have had an estranged relationship with my mother for the past 10 years. I do not see my mother very often. I  have seen her 4 times in the past 10 years. My mother’s addiction to pain medicine and antidepressants severely put a wedge in our relationship. Along with other countless lies and deception that she created.

To make a long story short my brother’s call was not good news. My mother had surgery on her bladder and she is in the hospital for a few days. That is not the bad part. The bad part is that my mother is suffering from Alzheimer disease. It is perpetually getting worse. She is at the point where something has to be done.

My mother does not leave her apartment and she has all of the windows covered. She does not cook, clean, or bathe herself. She does not remember who my brother is and talks gibberish. It greatly saddens me….. I can’t even explain my feelings right now.

I am going there tomorrow to talk to the doctors and my brother to see what our options are. My brother said that I should find a nursing home around where I live. I am not sure what I want to do. I am not trying to be selfish but, I do not know if I can handle that stress of taking care of my mother right now. I know that is such an awful thing to say. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt. For not being there for her, not communicating with her, and not being a good daughter.

I want to be weak and I want to cry. I do not want to be strong. I know I do not have that option. I have to be strong for my brother and my mother. I have to think about my mother’s well-being and not my own.

God, please help me be strong and fearless. Protect me from my actions and my hurt. I pray for my mother. I pray for forgiveness and healing. I pray that she will feel comforted in a time of need and she will not hate me. I pray that closure, God.   



CrossFit and Janie – A New Bond! — Authentically 50 ~ Embracing Life’s Changes

Hello Everyone! I’m sorry I haven’t written in a few days, but I have been a bit busy. READ: I started a CrossFit class and boy am I sore! I decided to get my body in gear finally and hopefully it will help me to quit that nasty habit which I still haven’t let go […]

via CrossFit and Janie – A New Bond! — Authentically 50 ~ Embracing Life’s Changes


Janie inspired me! Thank you!!!