I know sometimes I sound like a broken record. However, I can’t stress enough that pornography contributed to the destruction of my marriage.
I look back on how many times my husband has lied to me. He has lied to me that he is NOT watching porn. He has lied to me that he is NOT addicted to pornography. He has lied to me that he would NO longer use pornography websites. He would look right into my eyes and say those meaningless words.
I believed my husband. I tried to believe my husband. I wanted to believe my husband. Having a porn addict husband comes with the insanity of trying to catch him. I would look around our house for it. I would go on his computer to look for pictures. It consumed my every move. Each thought I had would be of my husband watching another woman in a sexual manner. The anger would start to boil inside of me. The anger of lusting after a fictional fantasy and not me! What kind of husband would do this? Am I not enough for him?
A few months would go by. I would still look for pornography. With all the looking I didn’t find anything. WOW? Is he telling me the truth? Did he actually conquer his porn addiction? I started to trust my husband AGAIN. I started to have sex with him AGAIN. I started to open myself up to him AGAIN. All of sudden, his mood would change. He would lash out for no reason. He would become depressed. I couldn’t understand why he was behaving like this. I was there for him. I was not upset with him. I showed him that I loved him. I was having sex with him……
I would become suspicious. I would look on his computer and a naked woman would be staring right at me. He betrayed me once again. I kept falling for this vicious cycle year, after year……I would hurt myself more and more. Each time this happen he took a piece of me with him. A piece of my heart, my soul, my duty as a wife.
His pornography addiction would never be his fault. He blamed me. He blamed our marriage. For years, I tried to make it right. I believed him. I was the root of his demise. I felt so guilty for pushing my husband into a world of porn addiction. I did NOT have sex with him. I was NOT adventurous. I was NOT sexy enough. I was NOT supplying his sexual needs. I was a loser of a wife. Why did he ever marry someone like me?
I was a ruined wife in a hopeless marriage. I read everything I could about pornography addiction. Why were the books telling me one thing and my husband telling me something totally different? Was he lying to be again?
One day something just snapped inside of me. I was NOT going to have my husband play the victim of his addiction. I was NOT going to have my husband tell me that I am his source of addiction. I was not the cocaine in his porn addiction. I was not the bad drug for his destructive behavior. NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!
My husband’s pornography addiction is his fault. He is the only one to blame.
I am not responsible for his addiction. I have tried to help him SEVERAL times. Our marriage has NOTHING to do with his pornography addiction. He would look at pornography if he was married to someone else. I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. He was addicted to porn before we were married. I was too naive to look at the red flags that were right in front of me. We had sex and we were adventurous. Our sex life had NOTHING to do with his addiction. I am sexy, and I was supplying his sexual needs. However, he continually needed the thrill of porn.
I am a damn good wife who stood by his side for many years. I have given him all of me. In return, I neglected myself. Why would he ever marry someone like me? The question is why would I marry someone like him? I was fooled. I was coming out of a break up and he was my rebound.
Never again will I subject myself to someone who behaves in this manner. I have learned a lot through the years of my destructive marriage. One thing I have learned is that pornography is a real addiction. The only way a person will get help is to admit to their addiction. To take responsibility for the chaos that they have caused to themselves and around them.