Pornography And My Marriage

I know sometimes I sound like a broken record. However, I can’t stress enough that pornography contributed to the destruction of my marriage.

I look back on how many times my husband has lied to me. He has lied to me that he is NOT watching porn. He has lied to me that he is NOT addicted to pornography. He has lied to me that he would NO longer use pornography websites. He would look right into my eyes and say those meaningless words.

I believed my husband. I tried to believe my husband. I wanted to believe my husband. Having a porn addict husband comes with the insanity of trying to catch him. I would look around our house for it. I would go on his computer to look for pictures. It consumed my every move. Each thought I had would be of my husband watching another woman in a sexual manner. The anger would start to boil inside of me. The anger of lusting after a fictional fantasy and not me! What kind of husband would do this? Am I not enough for him?

A few months would go by. I would still look for pornography. With all the looking I didn’t find anything. WOW? Is he telling me the truth? Did he actually conquer his porn addiction? I started to trust my husband AGAIN. I started to have sex with him AGAIN. I started to open myself up to him AGAIN. All of sudden, his mood would change. He would lash out for no reason. He would become depressed. I couldn’t understand why he was behaving like this. I was there for him. I was not upset with him. I showed him that I loved him. I was having sex with him……

I would become suspicious. I would look on his computer and a naked woman would be staring right at me. He betrayed me once again. I kept falling for this vicious cycle year, after year……I would hurt myself more and more. Each time this happen he took a piece of me with him. A piece of my heart, my soul, my duty as a wife.

His pornography addiction would never be his fault. He blamed me. He blamed our marriage. For years, I tried to make it right. I believed him. I was the root of his demise. I felt so guilty for pushing my husband into a world of porn addiction. I did NOT have sex with him. I was NOT adventurous. I was NOT sexy enough. I was NOT supplying his sexual needs. I was a loser of a wife. Why did he ever marry someone like me?

I was a ruined wife in a hopeless marriage. I read everything I could about pornography addiction. Why were the books telling me one thing and my husband telling me something totally different? Was he lying to be again?

One day something just snapped inside of me. I was NOT going to have my husband play the victim of his addiction. I was NOT going to have my husband tell me that I am his source of addiction. I was not the cocaine in his porn addiction. I was not the bad drug for his destructive behavior. NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!

My husband’s pornography addiction is his fault. He is the only one to blame.

I am not responsible for his addiction. I have tried to help him SEVERAL times. Our marriage has NOTHING to do with his pornography addiction. He would look at pornography if he was married to someone else. I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. He was addicted to porn before we were married. I was too naive to look at the red flags that were right in front of me. We had sex and we were adventurous. Our sex life had NOTHING to do with his addiction. I am sexy, and I was supplying his sexual needs. However, he continually needed the thrill of porn.

I am a damn good wife who stood by his side for many years. I have given him all of me. In return, I neglected myself. Why would he ever marry someone like me? The question is why would I marry someone like him? I was fooled. I was coming out of a break up and he was my rebound.

Never again will I subject myself to someone who behaves in this manner. I have learned a lot through the years of my destructive marriage. One thing I have learned is that pornography is a real addiction. The only way a person will get help is to admit to their addiction. To take responsibility for the chaos that they have caused to themselves and around them.

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Ann

 

 

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I Deserve Happiness In My Life

For years I have been telling myself I do not deserve more. I am not worthy, and I am a sinful person. I have done evil things in my past and why would God bless me with things that I do not deserve? I have been telling myself that all marriages are like mine. I have been telling myself that things will never get better.

Fast forward to the present. We are all sinners. No matter if you have killed someone to telling a white lie… A sin is a sin. God forgives us for our sins. We repent and ask for forgiveness. This is when healing occurs. This was a true revelation to me when I came to God. Yes, my “sinner self” was cleansed. However, my marriage was not.

My husband would always say to me,

“Ann, every guy is like me.”

“I try to make you happy but everything I do for you….You get on me.”

“All marriages are like ours. Everyone fights and doesn’t get along at times.” 

“Ann, you are not living in reality if you think you can find something better.”

“You are living in a fantasy world.”

“Everything I do I do it for us.”

My list can go on and on…. This is a perfect example of brainwashing. My husband has been diligently trying to tell me his behavior is “normal”. He is justifying it with his lies.

His lies that our marriage is “normal” It is far from normal……

He lies that all guys are like him. If all guys were like him, the divorce rate would go off the charts. 

He lies that my happiness matters to him. He is a very selfish person. HIS happiness only matters in our marriage. 

He lies that all marriages are like ours. Marriages ARE NOT like ours. Not even close!!!! 

He lies that I will never find something better. I can find something better. I deserve to be happy.  

He lies that I live in a fantasy world. I have logical dreams and aspirations that I will accomplish. He is not going to stop me. 

He lies that everything he does is for us. Everything he does is for his benefit only. The word “us” is left out in our marriage. 

I deserve much more than what he has put me through. I deserve happiness, peace, love, contentment, and a “normal” marriage. One day I will have all of these things. With or without him. I am worthy, and I should be treated with dignity and respect. One day everything will come together.

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Ann

 

Art Is Important To Me

For the past several months I have been doing what I love the most…. Art. I have a passion for drawing. I stopped drawing for a very long time. I put all my effort towards my husband. My latest work is a pointillism drawing. Right now, it consists of millions of small dots. A couple of times I wanted to stop. I kept on thinking to myself..”What did I get into?”

It’s a lot of work. With each dot, I am making progression. With each dot, I am drawn into my picture’s world. Lately, I have been putting forth more effort into completing my picture. I sit at the kitchen table. My husband walks past me. He is silent. I don’t expect much more from him.

Last night was the same thing. I was working on my picture. My husband sat next to me and started talking to me. I forgot what our conversation was about. He got up and left. An hour later he came back into the kitchen again. It was around 10 pm. He said to me “I think you should go to bed. It’s getting late.” I told him that I was finishing up a part and I would be there in 10 minutes.

After my 10 minutes was up, I decided to stay and work on it for another 30 minutes. My husband came into the kitchen once again. This time he said, “Why aren’t you coming to bed?” I felt like a little child. He said, “I haven’t been home the whole weekend and I want my wife.” Yes, he was gone. My husband was with his friends this weekend! This was his decision and not mine.

This is a form of guilt and manipulation that he uses. I was not away from my family. I was at home. Where he should have been too. He knew I was working on my picture. He knows that drawing is very important to me. Yet, he overlooks what is important to me. He cares about what is important to him.

I am a 42-year-old woman. If I want to stay up until midnight, I can. I get up the next morning and function just fine. He was upset that I was paying attention to my picture and not him. It’s plain and simple. Unfortunately for my husband, I stayed up until after 11 pm working on my picture. In the past, I would have listened to him. Not anymore.

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Ann

Acting Like A Single Man While You Are Married.

I can honestly say that I have been alone in my marriage for the past 14 years. I know the exact date and year when my husband slowly faded away. With him being absent for most of the time, it truly taught me how to be an independent woman. I could not rely on him when something would break, when the kids were sick, or when I needed help around the house. I had to figure everything out on my own…. and I did.

I thought this was the norm in every marriage. The wife would take on all of the responsibilities around the house while the husband played. He maintained the lifestyle of a single man because, I was letting him do so. I was taking on his responsibilities at home along with mine. I did this for the sole purpose of him. His happiness. I did not want him worry about things. Unconsciously, I was enabling this creature who was sucking all the life from me.

“May I help you with this?” “Let me do this for you.” Sometimes I would hear these sentences from complete strangers who were trying to help me. One time it was from a 60-year-old woman. She asked to hold the door open for me. I had my young daughter’s hand and pushing a stroller at the same time. What was my response? “No, you don’t have to do that. I got it!” I was not telling the truth….. Yes, I could have used the help. I had my hands full! This woman was only being nice to me.

As the years have gone by, I see a pattern that I have formed. The years of my independent thinking caused a pattern of stubbornness. A pattern of, I can do everything myself. A pattern of saying no to people who are only trying to help. A pattern of thinking that I am not worthy enough to receive help. Was I wrong….

I am starting to let people back into my life after years of pushing people away. One thing I have found out, during this revelation, is that people really do care for me. They are not using me or being vindictive. They want me happy. They want to help me. I can’t do everything on my own. I am not Superwoman. I am going to leave you with a quote from my husband. He said this to me years ago. It is still so vivid and haunting. I know the reasoning behind my husband’s actions. While growing up he lived in a house very similar to ours……..

“My mom never had anyone to help her. She did just fine.”

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Ann

 

 

Team Ego

“I like being a part of a team when I am helping out and when I am with my friends. I don’t feel like I am a part of a team at work or at home.”

Those are the exact words that my husband said to me a few weeks ago. I had to write them down. After when my husband made this comment to me, I was not upset. This time he was speaking the truth.

At work, my husband is not idolized by me or his employees. We see his darkness and his erratic behavior. According to his standards, we are all beneath him. That is why he doesn’t have to put on his grandiose behavior in front of us. It is because of this, he does not feel part of a team. He chooses not to be. We are not up to his standards.

Teamwork is vital for a company. He is the president. He should be showing his employees how to all work together. How to resolve issues. How to increase productivity. He should be showing his employees how to be a team. He shouldn’t be showing them his lack of effort, frustrations, and criticism.

At home, I am his lesser. I am My husband’s possession. I am there to take care of the responsibilities that he ignores. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, yard work, driving, grocery shopping, laundry, and parenting.

To have a successful marriage, you should work as a team. When one person is doing everything, and the other person is sitting back……That is not teamwork! That is a recipe for disaster.

My husband could be rooting for his team at work and at home. I am not preventing him. Consequently, he needs his friends and others to supply his ego with energy. We are not successful enough or important enough for him.

The words, that were spoken by my husband, remind me of something that HG Tudor would say. A clear sign for me that I am married to a narcissist.

 

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What Am I Doing?

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I have been trying very hard to work on myself. To love myself again. Not from the outside but the inside. The part that has been damaged the most needs the utmost repair. That is my heart. I have been starting to become more open to others and not confine myself into solitude. I have been putting more energy into myself. My needs and wants that have been neglected over time.

Here is my dilemma. I have known this guy for the past 7 years. I will call him, T. I have seen him a hand full of times. Each time we would say the casual “hello” and that was it. I know him through work. He owns a company. Our emails would be business related only. He is also married and has a small child.

Over the past few months, I have been opening up to him more, on a friendship basis only. Prior to marring my husband, I had a lot of friends who were guys. I had to let all of those friendships go. With that being said, I miss having this type of friendship with the opposite sex.

I have been opening up to him on a personal level. I am extremely hesitant to even bring up my marriage to anyone. However, I feel like I can be open with him. T has known my husband for several years. He admitted that he does not care for my husband. T said that he is an extremely cocky person and rude. That does not surprise me that he said those things. They are true..

For the past 2 weeks we have been emailing each other on a daily. I don’t know how I feel about this. Yes, my husband is abusive. Yes, my husband is a narcissist. However, does this give me the right to email another man? I don’t think so. I don’t want to complicate things even more than they are. Honestly, I don’t know what I am doing right now. I have never been in this type of situation before.

Any suggestions?

ATTRACTION

What little attraction that I had for my husband is now gone. I am no longer attracted to him. I understand that we all age. Sometimes we tend to “let ourselves go” when we get married. We don’t have to try to impress the opposite sex. Some of us indulge in food and other poor habits. We stop exercising. We stop caring. We stop trying.

I cared too much about my appearance over the years to let myself go. I am active, and I like looking nice. Besides, my husband has made numerous comments about other women who have let themselves go over time. I never wanted him to say the same about me. His comments were revolting and hypercritical.

Several people have made the comment to my husband “This is your wife! How did you get her to marry you?”  This one is my favorite, “Your husband looks so much older than you.” I have to laugh because I am almost a year older than him! My husband does not say one word back. These comments anger him because he is not the one who is being lifted up. It is me and I am his lesser.

I look at my husband now and I am repulsed. I do not know if it is his actions that repulse me, or it is his looks. Maybe it is both. I looked at him last night when we were in our bedroom.

I said to myself, “Is this the best you can do? Why are you settling for less? Why am I staying in an abusive relationship with a narcissist who has let himself go? Why am I letting someone like him do this to me?”

It is truly an eye-opening experience. With each stage I go through, the light comes on in my clouded head, that he created. Yes, my husband has clouded my judgement for many years. He clouded my attraction for him. He made me feel like I was crazy for thinking he was not trying, or his weight was not healthy. He is NOT trying and his weight is NOT healthy. I am NOT crazy for thinking those things. They are all facts.

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Ann