I had my annual doctors appointment last week. It was for a pap-smear. I weigh 101 lbs. I haven’t weighed this amount since I was in college. The stress that has been eating me has been eating my weight too. When I am under stress, I do not have an appetite.
My husband had a vasectomy 8 years ago. However, I am on the pill due to my painful periods. My doctor asked me how the pill has been working out and if anything has changed. I said, “No” That was a lie. I have a change in sexual partners. That has been the first time for me in the past 19 years. As I was being examined, I felt uneasy. I felt disgusting. I felt embarrassed.
Now, I am going to go back 2 weekends ago. I went out with some friends. The town, where I live, was having a festival. We went to some bars. At one of them, a man started talking to me. He was 6 years younger than me. I didn’t think I would ever attract a younger man….All of a sudden he noticed my wedding ring. He was very apologetic and embarrassed. I told him that it was fine and I should have said something first to him. He said that I am a very beautiful woman and that my husband is a very luck guy…….. I walked away.
Going back to what I was saying earlier. I don’t feel beautiful. I feel disgusting. I feel nothing. I feel dark and empty. My husband never tells me that I am pretty. He never compliments me. Matt compliments me all the time. He tells me how beautiful I am. He tells me that I have a killer body. Yet, I don’t believe him. I believe that Matt is saying these things to get what he wants from me. Sex. A random guy at the bar tells me that I am beautiful. What did I do? I walked away from him. What does he want from me? The same thing? Sex? Is that all I am good for?
I feel used after having sex with my husband. That is the only time he is nice to me. When he wants something sexual. With Matt, is he any different? Why do people use me? Why do I let people use me? I am scared that I will never find a man who truly loves me for who I am. Not for how I look. Not for sex. For me….
I have had a lot happen to me over the few weeks…..
I told my hairdresser everything.. She knows my husband. She believed every word uttered to her while I was crying. She told me that people would believe me and she has heard stories about him. Not everyone likes him. With this being said, she told me to get of there. She said that I could do so much better than him.
The only thing is that I have nowhere to go. I am really trying my best to look for another job. I have applied at numerous companies. This is another reason why I feel defeated. My husband has told me a long time ago that I could never find anything better than this job. I hope he was not telling me the truth.
I spoke to my mother in law the other day. I was in a very broken mood while I was talking to her. I made the mistake and said, “I can’t talk to him about things. He gets very angry at me.” Big mistake on my part. My mother in law said back to me, “Well, when he gets home from work all you do is scream at him.” My response was, “I don’t say anything to him.” She said, “Well, that’s even worse than screaming at him!”
This was hard for me to hear. Yet once again, everything is my fault. I don’t scream at him. I don’t defend myself. This made me want to go in a dark hole and not come out. His mother has no idea what I have endured throughout the years. This is another reason why I think it is time for me to leave.
I keep on telling myself if I can just get thru the Holidays… That is all I need to do.
I also have been second guessing my relationship with Matt. I feel like I am going to ruin his life too. I don’t want to ruin anymore lives. I feel like I’m such a toxic person and I don’t want him to suffer because of me. He is a good person. I think for the best interest of his family is that he stops seeing me. He should put all his focus on his wife and try to rebuild what was broken.
I keep on telling God to take me. Why am I here…..? I have tears in my eyes while I am writing this. I just don’t know what to do. My girls keep me on this earth. However, numbing myself keeps me sane.
I have never been suicidal or acted upon thoughts of suicide. I have always thought suicide was an act of selfishness. When you take your own life you are playing the role of God….God is the only One who knows when it is time for you to come home. Both of my grandparents committed suicide. My second great-grandfather committed suicide. I see a pattern in my family’s self-destruction. I never wanted to repeat the cycle.
I have not been sleeping well lately. I wrote, in my Notes, the following:
I am not suicidal yet I am living in a death sentence….. God help me…. Please help me…. I can’t put up with him.. his personalty is grotesque and so are his manners….. God help me….I can’t do this….He is such a mean man… He is so clueless about how he treats me…everything is just a show for him..Everything is to show people how wonderful he is…He is horrible at home….I can’t God.. I just can’t… I know You want me to be strong.. Please help me!!!! Please….
Why do I feel this way? I don’t have to live a death sentence. He is making me die inside… To the point where I don’t know why I am alive sometimes… I’m starting to question why God has me on this earth….The only thing that keeps me going are my girls. That is it… If it wasn’t for them I don’t know what I would do… I can’t say that I wouldn’t physically harm myself.
I am not trying to cry out for help. I don’t want pity. I just want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay. Even if it’s a lie.
I haven’t written much about my husband lately. I go on trying to make it to the next day. My heart aches from the pain that he has caused in my life. I bare the scars of his words and his actions almost everyday. My husband will never change. He is blinded my his evilness. The only time he is not blinded is when he is with his friends. They give him the admiration and love that I don’t. It is hard to love a person who is so vile.
Yesterday my husband would not lay off of me. I honestly thought I was going to lose it. My strength kept me from breaking down. I was proud of myself because I did not shed one tear. I was not going to have him make me cry. Not this time or ever again. One of the things he was yelling at me was why I don’t have sex with him…..
I told him 2 months ago that I was done. That I was no longer in love with him. I told him that we should go our separate ways. Unfortunately, he did not listen to me. It was if that conversation never happened……
He said that he doesn’t understand why I’m not in love with him.. This is frightening to me… He also said that I withhold sex from him as a form of punishment….. He said that he is always there for me….. He said he doesn’t understand why I don’t like the same activities that he likes….He said that I don’t want to do anything with him. All of his friends spouses do things together but NOT ME.. He said that I am boring……He said that I can’t take criticism.
While he was saying these things my blood was boiling. I was mad. It is all about what I DO WRONG… Everything!!! I asked him why he was with such a bitch for a wife? He couldn’t give me one reason why he was with me.
I really wanted to walk out but I stayed because of my girls. I am trapped in this perpetual cycle of complete utter chaos…..I want to be let go. His mind is so warped it honestly scares me.
Yes, the affair that I am having is an escape for me… It’s an escape from reality….
I am trying my best to write about the affair that I am having. My feelings about the affair are wrong, right, bad, good… I am sorry if I write one thing in one paragraph and write something completely opposite in the next. As you can see, my feelings are all over the place. So, I have decided to write about the “Other Man”….. Maybe this might clarify how I have been feeling lately.
I will call him Matt. Matt is so forthcoming with his feelings. Not only about me but just about everything. Matt actually has feelings and he expresses his feelings. I am not used to this. I think this is what draws me to Matt. He is not a hard rigid rock like my husband.
Matt and I have a lot of things in common too. We are both interested in the same things. Our personalities are somewhat alike. We have similar values and beliefs. However, I know having an affair is not one of them. That should never be valued. I have told Matt my feelings of guilt. I told him that I never intended to be a “home wrecker” or the “other woman”. Matt has told me that I shouldn’t feel that way. He has said that I shouldn’t feel guilty…. I do…. I know I am hurting Matt’s wife and the marriage that they have…..
Matt has been forthcoming about the problems in his marriage. He has told me that his wife is very controlling and she is not appreciative for the things he provides her. Matt has said to me numerous times that he feels used by her. He told me that he doesn’t feel loved by her and his feelings are ignored. Do I believe this? I can’t say I do. So why is Matt having an affair with me? I think it’s for the emotional and sexual need that he is not getting from his marriage. I could definitely be wrong though. I have asked him why he is with me. His response is “I like you.” He has said to me that I make him feel alive again and happy.
Matt has told me that I am his best friend and how I am one of the very few people who understand him. We talk everyday…. We are very open with each other. I told him a few different times that I would leave him alone because he sounded busy. His reply “No, I am never too busy for you.” I have even given chances to leave me and to not look back. He won’t.
I know Matt will never leave his marriage. The question has never popped up and it never will. I think both of us know the answer. I don’t expect him to leave. I would never do that to him. I think he is in a confusing time in his life as I am with mine. He has told me that he does not want to lose me. However, we are both living double lives. One with each other and the other with our families. I don’t know how long these relationships really last….
Matt is attached to me. I can tell…… I don’t know what we are doing…. All of this seems crazy to me… I guess that’s the story of my life right now….Craziness…
I want to thank everyone who has responded to my last post. I understand both sides of the issue. That is what WordPress is all about. Expressing yourself or something by words and pictures. I am very thankful for the women who have stepped forth and have voiced their opinions. Please know that my feelings are not hurt and I don’t show any distaste towards your opinions. I still read your blogs and I find them to be very powerful. The hurt, anguish, love and mixed emotions…. I can relate to loving someone who you hate. It is an awful feeling.
With this being said, all of my blogs are truthful. Sometimes I wish they were fictionalized. It would make my life a lot simpler. My blogs are my feelings and confessions about my not so perfect life. I know that the affair that I am having is something that is complicated and should not be justified with my current situation. I know that it’s wrong. I know I am hurting others. I know that I am hurting myself. I know that it will not last. I know that it is a selfish thing to do. I understand the repercussions of the situation that I have created.
However, I have fallen for this man……..I said it… Is it love? I don’t know. Is it infatuation? It could be. I am being honest with my feelings. I try to push my feelings away. Yet they always come back. I feel so connected with him. However, I know… We are both married. We are both guilty…We will never be soulmates.
I have never wanted to be the “other woman”. I never wanted to be the “home wrecker”. Never! I think what has drawn me close to him is that he shows his feelings and emotions. My husband is a stone. He does not show feelings or empathy. Only when they apply to him. Not anyone else. This man is nothing like my husband. I think that is another reason why I am drawn to him…. He doesn’t look anything like my husband and their personalities are so different.
I have not felt this kind of intimacy for an extremely long time. It scares me. My husband has taken away that part of my life and someone else has shown me what intimacy is all about. Sex is sex to my porn addicted husband. Sex with him is a disconnection instead of a connection. When my husband has sex with me it is only for sexual gratification and not love. If only my husband would be affectionate and display his emotions to me. However, my actions will never be justified.
I know it is wrong what I am doing. It is incredibly selfish and unmoral. If something is so wrong, why does it feel so right? Why does this bad thing feel so good? Is this how drug addicts feel? They know they are putting poison into their bodies. Yet, it feels so good to them when they are in a state of ecstasy.
I have wrote many poems in my life to describe my feelings. Sometimes I just can’t write how I feel in a normal sentence. This is a poem that I wrote a few days ago.
I put my shield up to block you
The feelings I have for you
Make me want to run
I don’t want to get hurt
I don’t want to feel.
With every gentle touch
With every whisper in my ear
Make it stop
I want my heart to heal
I need to break away from you
I need to distance myself from you
My heart barricades its self from you
Your face pulls me closer
The wicked game we are playing is dangerous
We know who is going to get hurt
You are my drug
You are my addiction
You are my completion
With every soft kiss
With every gaze from your blue eyes
I’m falling for you
No matter how hard I fight
The tears in my eyes can’t escape
They just want you more
I can no longer deny you
You have been everything that I have been looking for