I Deserve Happiness In My Life

For years I have been telling myself I do not deserve more. I am not worthy, and I am a sinful person. I have done evil things in my past and why would God bless me with things that I do not deserve? I have been telling myself that all marriages are like mine. I have been telling myself that things will never get better.

Fast forward to the present. We are all sinners. No matter if you have killed someone to telling a white lie… A sin is a sin. God forgives us for our sins. We repent and ask for forgiveness. This is when healing occurs. This was a true revelation to me when I came to God. Yes, my “sinner self” was cleansed. However, my marriage was not.

My husband would always say to me,

“Ann, every guy is like me.”

“I try to make you happy but everything I do for you….You get on me.”

“All marriages are like ours. Everyone fights and doesn’t get along at times.” 

“Ann, you are not living in reality if you think you can find something better.”

“You are living in a fantasy world.”

“Everything I do I do it for us.”

My list can go on and on…. This is a perfect example of brainwashing. My husband has been diligently trying to tell me his behavior is “normal”. He is justifying it with his lies.

His lies that our marriage is “normal” It is far from normal……

He lies that all guys are like him. If all guys were like him, the divorce rate would go off the charts. 

He lies that my happiness matters to him. He is a very selfish person. HIS happiness only matters in our marriage. 

He lies that all marriages are like ours. Marriages ARE NOT like ours. Not even close!!!! 

He lies that I will never find something better. I can find something better. I deserve to be happy.  

He lies that I live in a fantasy world. I have logical dreams and aspirations that I will accomplish. He is not going to stop me. 

He lies that everything he does is for us. Everything he does is for his benefit only. The word “us” is left out in our marriage. 

I deserve much more than what he has put me through. I deserve happiness, peace, love, contentment, and a “normal” marriage. One day I will have all of these things. With or without him. I am worthy, and I should be treated with dignity and respect. One day everything will come together.

 

Ann

 

Acting Like A Single Man While You Are Married.

I can honestly say that I have been alone in my marriage for the past 14 years. I know the exact date and year when my husband slowly faded away. With him being absent for most of the time, it truly taught me how to be an independent woman. I could not rely on him when something would break, when the kids were sick, or when I needed help around the house. I had to figure everything out on my own…. and I did.

I thought this was the norm in every marriage. The wife would take on all of the responsibilities around the house while the husband played. He maintained the lifestyle of a single man because, I was letting him do so. I was taking on his responsibilities at home along with mine. I did this for the sole purpose of him. His happiness. I did not want him worry about things. Unconsciously, I was enabling this creature who was sucking all the life from me.

“May I help you with this?” “Let me do this for you.” Sometimes I would hear these sentences from complete strangers who were trying to help me. One time it was from a 60-year-old woman. She asked to hold the door open for me. I had my young daughter’s hand and pushing a stroller at the same time. What was my response? “No, you don’t have to do that. I got it!” I was not telling the truth….. Yes, I could have used the help. I had my hands full! This woman was only being nice to me.

As the years have gone by, I see a pattern that I have formed. The years of my independent thinking caused a pattern of stubbornness. A pattern of, I can do everything myself. A pattern of saying no to people who are only trying to help. A pattern of thinking that I am not worthy enough to receive help. Was I wrong….

I am starting to let people back into my life after years of pushing people away. One thing I have found out, during this revelation, is that people really do care for me. They are not using me or being vindictive. They want me happy. They want to help me. I can’t do everything on my own. I am not Superwoman. I am going to leave you with a quote from my husband. He said this to me years ago. It is still so vivid and haunting. I know the reasoning behind my husband’s actions. While growing up he lived in a house very similar to ours……..

“My mom never had anyone to help her. She did just fine.”

 

Ann

 

 

Team Ego

“I like being a part of a team when I am helping out and when I am with my friends. I don’t feel like I am a part of a team at work or at home.”

Those are the exact words that my husband said to me a few weeks ago. I had to write them down. After when my husband made this comment to me, I was not upset. This time he was speaking the truth.

At work, my husband is not idolized by me or his employees. We see his darkness and his erratic behavior. According to his standards, we are all beneath him. That is why he doesn’t have to put on his grandiose behavior in front of us. It is because of this, he does not feel part of a team. He chooses not to be. We are not up to his standards.

Teamwork is vital for a company. He is the president. He should be showing his employees how to all work together. How to resolve issues. How to increase productivity. He should be showing his employees how to be a team. He shouldn’t be showing them his lack of effort, frustrations, and criticism.

At home, I am his lesser. I am My husband’s possession. I am there to take care of the responsibilities that he ignores. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, yard work, driving, grocery shopping, laundry, and parenting.

To have a successful marriage, you should work as a team. When one person is doing everything, and the other person is sitting back……That is not teamwork! That is a recipe for disaster.

My husband could be rooting for his team at work and at home. I am not preventing him. Consequently, he needs his friends and others to supply his ego with energy. We are not successful enough or important enough for him.

The words, that were spoken by my husband, remind me of something that HG Tudor would say. A clear sign for me that I am married to a narcissist.

 

What Am I Doing?

I have been trying very hard to work on myself. To love myself again. Not from the outside but the inside. The part that has been damaged the most needs the utmost repair. That is my heart. I have been starting to become more open to others and not confine myself into solitude. I have been putting more energy into myself. My needs and wants that have been neglected over time.

Here is my dilemma. I have known this guy for the past 7 years. I will call him, T. I have seen him a hand full of times. Each time we would say the casual “hello” and that was it. I know him through work. He owns a company. Our emails would be business related only. He is also married and has a small child.

Over the past few months, I have been opening up to him more, on a friendship basis only. Prior to marring my husband, I had a lot of friends who were guys. I had to let all of those friendships go. With that being said, I miss having this type of friendship with the opposite sex.

I have been opening up to him on a personal level. I am extremely hesitant to even bring up my marriage to anyone. However, I feel like I can be open with him. T has known my husband for several years. He admitted that he does not care for my husband. T said that he is an extremely cocky person and rude. That does not surprise me that he said those things. They are true..

For the past 2 weeks we have been emailing each other on a daily. I don’t know how I feel about this. Yes, my husband is abusive. Yes, my husband is a narcissist. However, does this give me the right to email another man? I don’t think so. I don’t want to complicate things even more than they are. Honestly, I don’t know what I am doing right now. I have never been in this type of situation before.

Any suggestions?

ATTRACTION

What little attraction that I had for my husband is now gone. I am no longer attracted to him. I understand that we all age. Sometimes we tend to “let ourselves go” when we get married. We don’t have to try to impress the opposite sex. Some of us indulge in food and other poor habits. We stop exercising. We stop caring. We stop trying.

I cared too much about my appearance over the years to let myself go. I am active, and I like looking nice. Besides, my husband has made numerous comments about other women who have let themselves go over time. I never wanted him to say the same about me. His comments were revolting and hypercritical.

Several people have made the comment to my husband “This is your wife! How did you get her to marry you?”  This one is my favorite, “Your husband looks so much older than you.” I have to laugh because I am almost a year older than him! My husband does not say one word back. These comments anger him because he is not the one who is being lifted up. It is me and I am his lesser.

I look at my husband now and I am repulsed. I do not know if it is his actions that repulse me, or it is his looks. Maybe it is both. I looked at him last night when we were in our bedroom.

I said to myself, “Is this the best you can do? Why are you settling for less? Why am I staying in an abusive relationship with a narcissist who has let himself go? Why am I letting someone like him do this to me?”

It is truly an eye-opening experience. With each stage I go through, the light comes on in my clouded head, that he created. Yes, my husband has clouded my judgement for many years. He clouded my attraction for him. He made me feel like I was crazy for thinking he was not trying, or his weight was not healthy. He is NOT trying and his weight is NOT healthy. I am NOT crazy for thinking those things. They are all facts.

Ann

 

 

Letting It Go

My anxiety level was very high on Friday. I could not sleep well that night. I woke up once with my heart beating very fast. I don’t think it was a panic attack. However, I knew I needed to calm down. While I was up, I started to pray. I prayed for peace. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed for my mother. I prayed for strength. My list goes on and on. Eventually I fell back to sleep.

My husband went out with some of his friends on Saturday. He left at noon. My youngest daughter and I decided to do some school shopping on Saturday. We had a very nice time. We were out for most of the day and we were both exhausted when we got home.

Around 8:30 pm my husband came home. I noticed right away that he was drunk. His eyes were glossy, and his speech was slurred. I was very angry that he drove home intoxicated. I was not going to show my signs of anger when he was drunk. However, I was going to say something to him the next day.

My husband did admit to me that he was drunk when he came home. He could not back out from lying about this one. We talked for a while and he went to bed. I joined him a few hours later. I was not going to have my husband upset me. I am dealing with a lot right now and I do not have time for his craziness. I sat in bed again and I prayed. I prayed a lot. God is my rock. I prayed for God’s wisdom and strength to pull me through.

The next day I told my husband that he should have called me instead of driving home drunk. He said, “I wasn’t drunk.” Okay, this infuriated me. Now he is trying to make me look crazy. I said, “DON’T YOU DARE TRY TO MAKE ME LOOK CRAZY. DON’T YOU DARE CALL ME A LIAR. You were drunk, and you are not getting yourself out of this one. You think you are above the law. Well, YOU ARE NOT. If you EVER get pulled over, you can stay in jail. I AM NOT BAILING YOU OUT. GET THE BLANK STARE OFF YOUR FACE AND OWN UP TO YOUR ACTIONS. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! THE ONLY LIAR HERE IS YOU.” Yes, I said every word. I did not scream. However, the tone in my voice was more profound than anything.

I do not have time for his childish behavior. I made it very clear to him that I knew what kind of manipulation he was trying to pull, and this time IT WAS NOT GOING TO WORK. After my rant he said “I am sorry. I was trying to “brush everything aside”. You are right. I was drunk, and I should have called you for a ride.” I was amazed. He finally owned up to something he did wrong. I caught him red handed and he was not going to get out of this one.

The rest of the day, he was very nice to me. He was not sarcastic or moody. I did not hold anger towards him. I let everything go. This is what God wanted me to do. I could feel His presence yesterday, whispering “Let it go..” This is exactly what I did, and it brought a since of calmness to me.

Thanks be to God! Even in my darkest times You always show me Your light.

Ann

My Birthday

My birthday is coming up very soon. I am an extremely simple girl who does not like lavish birthdays. All I want for my birthday is to go out to dinner somewhere of my choice. I do not want gifts, a party, or even a cake. I just want to celebrate my birthday with family.

My husband is completely opposite. On his birthday he requires a huge party, gifts, and complete attention from others. He reminds me of a 3-year-old. ME, ME, ME! It is MY birthday and I want EVERYONE to see HOW important I am! It is such a spectacle.

My husband asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday. I should say, what HE wanted to do for my birthday. He wants us to go to into the city to celebrate ******fest. He wants his best friend “A” and his wife to come with. Not our kids. He said that we can celebrate my birthday on a different weekend.

For many years now, I thought this type of behavior was “normal”. My ideas were not “good enough” or just plain “dull” for my husband. He would suggest something, and we would do it. I look back now, and boy was I playing into his destruction. This behavior is anything but NORMAL. It is not right for him to do this to me. He has controlled my birthday for so many years that he doesn’t expect me to disagree with him.

Well, that was then, and this is now.

It is MY birthday and I get to choose whatever I want to do. I will do it with or without him. I have a voice and it has been silent for many years. I have not been silent on WordPress and I am now taking it to the next level. I will not be silent at home. I just told my husband yesterday, “You do not know how to treat a woman.” Yep, I said it! His response back was “You’re in a bad mood today.” I was in a fine mood before he started to act like an A**.

A while ago, I said I would expose some information about my identity. I live in Illinois.

 

Ann

 

Don’t Mess With ME

According to my husband, I was such an embarrassment to him and his friends the night that I went out. I disagree with him. I was having fun and I was letting loose. It should be the other way around. He should be embarrassed for ignoring his wife!

I thought if I was such an embarrassment I should apologize for my actions that night. I was not going to apologize to him! I was going to apologize to a mutual friend who was there that night with her husband. Her husband “A” is best friends with my husband. Unfortunately, both have no idea what is going on in our marriage. They think we are a happily married couple. I decided to text her.

Me:  Hi ********,  I wanted to apologize for my behavior at *****. I was very drunk, and I didn’t have anything to eat that day. The alcohol really hit me. I am sorry if I came across rude or vulgar in any way. **** said that I was an embarrassment to him and his friends. I am truly sorry for any embarrassment I might have caused you and “A”. You know the type of person I am and I just do not want you to think of many any differently. I am extremely sorry once again. I will talk to you soon. 

******: OMG! You are fine! No embarrassment at all! We all were drunk. LOL. You were having fun! No need to apologize at all! 

Me: Thank you for understanding… I felt really bad… I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I am glad that I didn’t embarrass you all!

******: I can’t believe **** said that. Seriously, NO worries at all. I am glad that you can relax and have fun around us. Everyone needs to do that! I would never be embarrassed by you!

Me: Thank you.. He ignored me for 4 days while my in-laws were here. I paid the price dearly. It eases my mind to know that you are okay with me. 

******: I’m so sorry you had to go through that. 

Yes, I just threw my husband under the bus. A year ago, I would have never have done something like this. I would have kept my mouth shut. Not anymore. I have decided to “apologize” to each and every one of his friends. Maybe this might teach my husband to speak the truth. Most importantly “DO NOT MESS WITH ME.”

Ann

I Just Had Fun Without You!

I have many stories to write since going out with my sister in-law. Many things have happened. Some good and some bad. I am now going to write about my husband’s wrath of anger from that night.

To say the least, I do not remember too much. I did not have anything to eat that day and the alcohol absorbed into my body quite quickly. My alcohol tolerance is very low and I do not weigh very much. With those two factors, my body was like a sponge. However, I still thought I could react to the alcohol like I once did in my early twenties. The joke was on me!

When I saw my husband at the festival, he ignored me for most of the time. I talked to his friends. I was not going to stand there and be silent. It was funny because they did give me the attention that my husband was not giving me. Actually, some of his friends were being flirtatious.

After the concert, my husband gave me strict orders to go home. I did not listen to him. I went to the bars instead. I was having fun and I did not want the night to end. Subsequently, my husband was so irate when he came home, and I was not there. He picked me up from the bars. Yikes, he was so mad at me. Luckily, I don’t remember what he said to me during the drive home.

The next 4 days he ignored me. To make matters worse, my in-laws were in town. They were staying at our house. During the 4th day of him ignoring me, I lashed out at him. I had enough of his behavior.

He said “Ann, you were an embarrassment to me and my friends. I have a reputation to uphold and you humiliated me.” I asked him how I embarrassed everyone? He said “I don’t know you when you drink. You are a totally different person. It’s like your real self comes out. I am really hurt by what you did, and it is going to take a while for me to get over it.”

This made my blood boil! I lashed back at him and said “What I did! You think you are going to play the victim over this one? No, you are not! I did nothing wrong. I just had fun! It is going to take you a while to get over it? You are a complete hypocrite! You tell me to get thick skin and I should get over things that you have done to me in ONE day! Don’t you DARE do this to me. I am a good person and I DO NOT deserve to be treated like this! EVER!”

The next day he started to talk to me. I do not if it was from standing up for myself or he felt like an idiot. I am proud that I defended myself. I did NOTHING wrong. I did not cheat on him and I did not embarrass him. I just had fun! I think that is what upset him the most. To see Ann enjoying herself without him! I think I should go out more often. Not to drink but to have a good time. Maybe my husband will finally start valuing our marriage and not take it for granted.

ME FROM THAT NIGHT

Ann

 

Letting My Hair Down

Recently our community had our yearly festival. I usually go there to eat some good food and enjoy a beer. I don’t go to the concerts or the beer tent. Some years I do not go at all. It depends on how much I have going on that weekend.

This year was an exception. My girls had plans with their friends and they were not going to be home. My sister in-law came over during the day to go swimming. We had a drink and we were enjoying catching up with each other. We do not get together too often because of our schedules. We decided to go to the festival and have some fun. We took showers and got ready at my house. My outfit of choice was short shorts and a cute top. For once, I was feeling good about myself!

My husband was volunteering at the festival. Of course, he was! I texted him once we got there. He was astonished when I texted him and said, “I am here!” My husband thought I would be sitting at home like usual. He was working by one of the stages. He let us in and all of his friends were there. I wanted other guys to notice me! I wanted him to get jealous! I was looking good! Yet, he was upset with me for going out with his sister. He does not get along with her. Unfortunately, he ignored me most of the time. But his ignorance did not stop me from having a good time.

After a few hours, my sister in-law and I decided to walk to the bars. We had such a good time. Yes, we both drank a little too much! However, it felt so good to go out with another girl and let my hair down. It has been over 10 years since I went out to the bars with girlfriends. I actually had a younger guy hit on me! I did NOT say anything back to him. I didn’t even flirt with other guys. It was just nice to have that attention. Something I do not get from my husband.

As for the next day, my husband was too upset to talk to me. Now, he’s finally starting to have conversations with me again. I was not going to apologize for going out. I was not going to apologize for drinking. I was not going to apologize for have a good time. I was not going to apologize for going to bars without him. These are all things that he does on a weekly basis. I do it every 10 years. For once, I felt like Ann again.

 

Ann