The What If’s

I recently commented on someone’s blog that the “what if’s” were paralyzing me in my husband’s porn addiction. They were consuming me and controlling my every move. What if my husband looked at pornography today? What if my husband lied to me? The countless fear I had inside was crippling me. I eventually released the what if’s to God. I knew I could not control my husband’s porn addiction. I did not want that monster to control me also. I had to give it to God to handle. I knew I have done everything in my power to help my husband. All I could do was pray for him and for his healing.

I do not think men realize the implications of their porn use. Especially the men who blame their wives for their porn habit. I felt like I was not good enough for my husband. I felt like I was sexually incapable of pleasing him. I felt like my body and my looks did not arouse him. I felt like a failure as a wife to provide that sexual fantasy that he wanted. Thanks to porn and my husband, my self-esteem was destroyed.

My husband chose a computer image of big breasted women who dressed like whores and who wore tons of makeup. I could not compete with those images. I do not have big breasts. I do not dress like a whore. I do not wear tons of make-up. Is this the type of woman my husband wants to be with? Is this the type of woman who he finds sexy? Every time I found pornography on his computer, I would ask myself the same questions. Why are you choosing an image and not your wife? Am I that ugly? What is wrong with me!

When I would have sex with my husband, I wanted to vomit. I was not sexually attracted to him. I did not trust him. I was not in love with him. His pornography use and his behavior repulsed me. I felt like I was having sex with a stranger who I met off the street. Who is this person? Where did he come from? What happened to the man I married?

If ever said “NO” to my husband, he would get angry with me. He would make me feel guilty for not having sex with him. He would say sex was my ammunition to control him. Yet, he did not understand that I was hurting. Hurting from the pain he caused in our marriage.

I am a much stronger woman now. I do not let the what if’s consume me. I do not let my husband’s pornography addiction control me.

I know that my husband had this addiction before we were married.

I know that I am not to blame for his addiction.

I know I am pretty and I am a confident woman who NEVER had to resort to pornography for an income.

Nothing is wrong with me! What is wrong with him?!

Nothing is wrong with my body and how I look.

I am too good for my husband. He does not deserve me.

I am sexually capable of pleasing my husband.

I did not fail as a wife.

I am healing from the pain he has caused in our marriage.

I do not feel guilty when I do not to have sex with him.